Its going to be a no electricity day!

Any parent will understand the problem children have with turning lights off. To this day you can go through our house and find lights on; lights that have been left on by a 22 and 19 year old.

The boys must have been about 10 and 8 years old. One day I finally snapped. I was tired of them leaving the lights on throughout the house. The punishment I decided would be to deprive them of the use of anything that used electricity for the entire day: no, lights, no TV, no video games, no radio, NOTHING that used electricity.

I don’t know how many times the boys were grounded from the use of electricity but in theory it was a great idea. One day my mom and dad stopped by. The boys were on an electricity ban and were playing with legos in their room. Pop went in and asked them why they were paying in the dark. One of the boys very loudly announced that it was “a no electricity day. My mom and dad thought I was horrible. 

A few years later a friend and I were talking. I told him about the “no electricity” days and he thought it was brilliant. As far as I know he adapted the practice but I have never asked him the results. For me, it didn’t work! 

Always be Positive: A Christmas Story

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, at Christmas time their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!

There is always a reason to be positive, to smile and to be happy. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year Friends and Family!

The end of the story: Powder horn and poof go your eyebrows.

Conclusion to the story originally posted October 2010.

“What the hell just happened?” yelled the father of the boy whose house all the pandemonium had just occurred.  The boy who lived in the house sang like a canary without failing to leave out any details of the mishap. The dad basically retraced pop’s steps from that day, stopping at each parent’s house and informing them of the boy’s mischief. Obviously the last house they stopped at was pop’s. His mom is informed of the day’s events and promises Pop that he will get his later!

Now, this isn’t where the story ends. Pop knew that his mom meant that she would spank him later. If his mom couldn’t catch him she would wake him up during the night, give him his spanking, and put him back in bed. Grandma could do this in the dark and without incurring any personal injuries to her person.  Pop, knowing this, would avoid his mom the rest of the evening. He decided to invite Tom Slauterover for the night.

Bedtime and they are ready to settle in. Pop says, “Tom, you go ahead and sleep in my bed tonight.” Tom settles in and is fast asleep. Sometime during the night my grandmother slipped into the room yanked Tom from the bed and proceeded to give him the spanking of his life. The next morning Tom left before breakfast. Later that week Tom told Pop: “ Bob, I don’t think your mom likes me very well.” As far as Pop...he was off the hook! His mom thought she had "given him his."

Boys, where did you get the balloons?

At this time in my mother and pop's history they only had the older boys, Robin, Dee and Perry. They were on a long road trip but I don’t remember where they were going. At one of the re-fueling stops the boys went to the bathroom while pop fueled the vehicle. All three of the boys had a few quarters in their pocket, pop called this walking around money. Anyway, everyone loaded back into the vehicle and off they went. 

Traveling down the highway vehicles would pass mother and pop honking, waving and laughing as they went by. This happened several times before mother looked in the back seat. She noticed the boys all had balloons hanging out of the windows. She asked them where they had got the balloons. They boys said they bought them back at the last gas station. As far as mother was concerned the conversation was over. Pop on the other hand ask: “did you buy them in the men’s room?” Perry said “yes, there was a balloon dispenser in the bathroom!” 

More things I hate.

Shopping at Sam’s Wholesale Club after business member hours end.

Clip on ties. I know the full Windsor may be too much but is it that hard to tie a half Windsor?

Touching a shopping cart handle with my bear hands prior to using sanitizer on it.

Not using hymn books church…I want to see the music not just the words on a screen.

To hear a husband and wife say: “we are pregnant!”  That isn’t the way I see it, she is pregnant and you are just an idiot for saying “we.”

Flavoring in my coffee.

BLACK FRIDAY!

Really loud diesel pick-up trucks! Especially the guys who feel need the need goose the throttle in downtown Terre Haute!

The stack of donation request on the corner of my desk.

The idea we have to continue to extend un-employment benefits.

Anything that has an artificial banana flavoring.

Girls draped over the hood of a car. Okay…is this supposed to make me want the car or the girl? I’m not blind or dead so I notice the girl. I also notice that if that was my car I would tell her to get the hell off the hood of my vehicle!

Waiting.

Anyone looking at my computer screen while I am trying to work.  

Where are my tools?

For the first few years that Jackie and I were married, I would purchase some type of tool almost every week. One week I might buy a pipe wrench, the next maybe a set of screwdrivers. On my birthday one year, my grandmother gave me a sizable check that I used to buy a two-piece stackable tool chest and a 315 piece tool set from Sears. I was set! I had everything I could posibly need to fix almost anything.

As the boys got older I would notice sockets or screwdrivers lying around on the garage floor. There were times that certain tools would just be missing. Other times I would find tools in the driveway or yard. Once, I even found one of my screwdrivers driven into a four by four post behind the shed.  My tools were one by one disappearing and I couldn’t stop it. I would lecture the boys about using them or demand they stay away from them. Once, I even grounded them from going into the garage, which worked for about eight minutes. Regardless of what I did, the tools kept disappearing. I finally gave up trying to save my tools and resigned myself to the fact that one day I could start collecting again after the boys have moved out.

A few years after the great Bermuda tool triangle mysteries had ended, my oldest son was about to turn 16 and would soon be driving. My wife and I purchased him his first vehicle. It was a one-owner vehicle and had 80,000 miles on it. The vehicle owner was an older lady who taught college locally. She had the routine maintenance done on the vehicle regularly. The only thing wrong with the car was she did not feel the need to clean it on a regular basis which was bad because she transported a large canine around with her.

Michael and I had a great time cleaning the vehicle. We used armoural on the dash, waxed the outside, and painted the wheels with that “magic in a can” called spray paint. When it came time for Michael to replace the boot around the gear shifter, he was in need of a specialized type of screwdriver. He searched and search for the proper tool only to come up empty handed. In his frustration he asked me for the screw driver. Finally, I was able to get some satisfaction for all those years of aggravation, due to tool loss, by replying: “Welcome to my world, and while you’re here, why don’t you go look for the tool you need  behind the shed, maybe in the driveway or out in the yard.” Michael very sheepishly said: “I understand, what comes around, goes around.”

One of Pop's Favorite Jokes

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

“Well,” he said, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight’s “the” night. We’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out. And I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky after that.”

“Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time, so you’d better give me the 12 pack.”

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over to him and says, “You never told me that you were such a religious person.”

The boy leans over to her and whispers, “You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.”