A few of my favorite lines from various movies.

Animal House: "Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son."

Stripes: “Oh, it's not the speed really so much, I just wish I hadn't drunk all that cough syrup this morning.”

The Sand Lot: “You’re killing me smalls”

Tommy Boy: “The point is, how do you know the fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer? "Building model airplanes" says the little fairy; well, we're not buying it. He sneaks into your house once, that's all it takes. The next thing you know, there's money missing off the dresser, and your daughter's knocked up. I’ve seen it a hundred times.”

The Big Lebowski: Q: “what do you do for recreation?” A: “Oh, the usual. I bowl. Drive around. The occasional acid flashback.”

Tommy Boy: “Because they know all they sold ya was a guaranteed piece of shit. That's all it is, isn't it? Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for now, for your customer's sake, for your daughter's sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality product from me.”

Airplane: "Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?"

Ferris Buellers Day Off:  “Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

Caddyshack: "So we finish 18 and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, 'Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know.' And he says, 'Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.' So I got that goin' for me, which is nice."

Animal House: “Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!”

Fargo: "And I guess that was your accomplice in the wood chipper."

This is all about me and it is random stuff.

Thanks to Mario Kart I panicked and swerved to miss banana peel in the parking lot a Lowes. Wouldn’t want to spin out! After playing some of the driving video games I am tempted to nudge the other drivers on the interstate. Just once it would be fun to have some type of turtle shell type seeking bomb to blow a left lane bandit off the road.

I had to replace the garbage disposal in our kitchen at home yesterday. I forgot to punch the drain out of it for the dishwasher. I realized this after the dishwasher leaked all over the kitchen floor. I’m surprised the old disposal lasted as long as it did. I think the boys must have run a half dozen forks knives and spoons through it. I know that Jackie found a paring knife in it. The knife was mangled almost beyond recognition.

I’m horrible at writing. I misspell, use incorrect grammar and in general just type the wrong letters. I don’t proof anything so who the hell knows what I mean sometimes.  I don’t sign my e-mails with “Regards” anymore since the T and G are so close to each other. One of my advertising reps is named Chris. Instead of writing “meeting with Chris” in my outlook calendar I wrote “meeting with Christ.” I guess it was a come to Jesus meeting.  I left the L out of public once; that was embarrassing. I read a church bulletin mistake where someone left the U out of Titus.

I love my Ipod. I have a huge number of songs on it and I picked every song. Now when I play my IPod I find myself skipping about five songs for everyone one I listen too! I thought I would enjoy listening to all the songs I chose but I guess not.

I lost my car keys one morning. I looked everywhere; the bedroom, the car, the van, in my backpack. I sent Jackie message asking if she knew where they were. After looking everywhere I found them in my hand!

I have a new smart phone. I keep some peoples name and number in my phone so I know not to answer it when they call. Is that wrong?

At the Ford Dealer convention for FRAC several years ago we had quite an opening party. We had a “beach” themed party with everything you could imagine including Reggae band, tiki hut bars, lady servers in grass skirts, tiki torches and so on. I had a few to many drinks and the rest of the convention I was known as the guy who sang the Banana Boat song with the Reggae Band.  At another work related convention I charged an $1800.00 bar tab to one of my co-workers hotel room. 

Story from a Business Seminar

A business woman named Cindy was in the airport VIP lounge on her way to Los Angeles. While in the VIP lounge, she noticed Donald Trump sitting on the sofa enjoying a brandy. As luck would have it, Cindy was meeting with a very important client who was running somewhat late.

Being a bold business woman, Cindy decided to go ahead and approach Mr. Trump, and introduced herself. Much to her surprise Mr. Trump turned out to be very nice. Encouraged by this she explained to "the Donald" that she was about to close a very important business deal and that she would be very grateful if he could say a quick "hello Cindy" to her when she was with her client. Mr. Trump consented to do just that.

Ten minutes later while Cindy was speaking with her client, she felt a rap on her shoulder. It was Donald Trump. Cindy turned about and looked at him as Trump said.

"Hi Cindy, what's going on?"

To which Cindy glibly replied, "Not now, Donald, can't you see I'm in a meeting!"

Its going to be a no electricity day!

Any parent will understand the problem children have with turning lights off. To this day you can go through our house and find lights on; lights that have been left on by a 22 and 19 year old.

The boys must have been about 10 and 8 years old. One day I finally snapped. I was tired of them leaving the lights on throughout the house. The punishment I decided would be to deprive them of the use of anything that used electricity for the entire day: no, lights, no TV, no video games, no radio, NOTHING that used electricity.

I don’t know how many times the boys were grounded from the use of electricity but in theory it was a great idea. One day my mom and dad stopped by. The boys were on an electricity ban and were playing with legos in their room. Pop went in and asked them why they were paying in the dark. One of the boys very loudly announced that it was “a no electricity day. My mom and dad thought I was horrible. 

A few years later a friend and I were talking. I told him about the “no electricity” days and he thought it was brilliant. As far as I know he adapted the practice but I have never asked him the results. For me, it didn’t work! 

Always be Positive: A Christmas Story

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, at Christmas time their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!

There is always a reason to be positive, to smile and to be happy. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year Friends and Family!

The end of the story: Powder horn and poof go your eyebrows.

Conclusion to the story originally posted October 2010.

“What the hell just happened?” yelled the father of the boy whose house all the pandemonium had just occurred.  The boy who lived in the house sang like a canary without failing to leave out any details of the mishap. The dad basically retraced pop’s steps from that day, stopping at each parent’s house and informing them of the boy’s mischief. Obviously the last house they stopped at was pop’s. His mom is informed of the day’s events and promises Pop that he will get his later!

Now, this isn’t where the story ends. Pop knew that his mom meant that she would spank him later. If his mom couldn’t catch him she would wake him up during the night, give him his spanking, and put him back in bed. Grandma could do this in the dark and without incurring any personal injuries to her person.  Pop, knowing this, would avoid his mom the rest of the evening. He decided to invite Tom Slauterover for the night.

Bedtime and they are ready to settle in. Pop says, “Tom, you go ahead and sleep in my bed tonight.” Tom settles in and is fast asleep. Sometime during the night my grandmother slipped into the room yanked Tom from the bed and proceeded to give him the spanking of his life. The next morning Tom left before breakfast. Later that week Tom told Pop: “ Bob, I don’t think your mom likes me very well.” As far as Pop...he was off the hook! His mom thought she had "given him his."

Boys, where did you get the balloons?

At this time in my mother and pop's history they only had the older boys, Robin, Dee and Perry. They were on a long road trip but I don’t remember where they were going. At one of the re-fueling stops the boys went to the bathroom while pop fueled the vehicle. All three of the boys had a few quarters in their pocket, pop called this walking around money. Anyway, everyone loaded back into the vehicle and off they went. 

Traveling down the highway vehicles would pass mother and pop honking, waving and laughing as they went by. This happened several times before mother looked in the back seat. She noticed the boys all had balloons hanging out of the windows. She asked them where they had got the balloons. They boys said they bought them back at the last gas station. As far as mother was concerned the conversation was over. Pop on the other hand ask: “did you buy them in the men’s room?” Perry said “yes, there was a balloon dispenser in the bathroom!”