More things I hate.

Shopping at Sam’s Wholesale Club after business member hours end.

Clip on ties. I know the full Windsor may be too much but is it that hard to tie a half Windsor?

Touching a shopping cart handle with my bear hands prior to using sanitizer on it.

Not using hymn books church…I want to see the music not just the words on a screen.

To hear a husband and wife say: “we are pregnant!”  That isn’t the way I see it, she is pregnant and you are just an idiot for saying “we.”

Flavoring in my coffee.

BLACK FRIDAY!

Really loud diesel pick-up trucks! Especially the guys who feel need the need goose the throttle in downtown Terre Haute!

The stack of donation request on the corner of my desk.

The idea we have to continue to extend un-employment benefits.

Anything that has an artificial banana flavoring.

Girls draped over the hood of a car. Okay…is this supposed to make me want the car or the girl? I’m not blind or dead so I notice the girl. I also notice that if that was my car I would tell her to get the hell off the hood of my vehicle!

Waiting.

Anyone looking at my computer screen while I am trying to work.  

Where are my tools?

For the first few years that Jackie and I were married, I would purchase some type of tool almost every week. One week I might buy a pipe wrench, the next maybe a set of screwdrivers. On my birthday one year, my grandmother gave me a sizable check that I used to buy a two-piece stackable tool chest and a 315 piece tool set from Sears. I was set! I had everything I could posibly need to fix almost anything.

As the boys got older I would notice sockets or screwdrivers lying around on the garage floor. There were times that certain tools would just be missing. Other times I would find tools in the driveway or yard. Once, I even found one of my screwdrivers driven into a four by four post behind the shed.  My tools were one by one disappearing and I couldn’t stop it. I would lecture the boys about using them or demand they stay away from them. Once, I even grounded them from going into the garage, which worked for about eight minutes. Regardless of what I did, the tools kept disappearing. I finally gave up trying to save my tools and resigned myself to the fact that one day I could start collecting again after the boys have moved out.

A few years after the great Bermuda tool triangle mysteries had ended, my oldest son was about to turn 16 and would soon be driving. My wife and I purchased him his first vehicle. It was a one-owner vehicle and had 80,000 miles on it. The vehicle owner was an older lady who taught college locally. She had the routine maintenance done on the vehicle regularly. The only thing wrong with the car was she did not feel the need to clean it on a regular basis which was bad because she transported a large canine around with her.

Michael and I had a great time cleaning the vehicle. We used armoural on the dash, waxed the outside, and painted the wheels with that “magic in a can” called spray paint. When it came time for Michael to replace the boot around the gear shifter, he was in need of a specialized type of screwdriver. He searched and search for the proper tool only to come up empty handed. In his frustration he asked me for the screw driver. Finally, I was able to get some satisfaction for all those years of aggravation, due to tool loss, by replying: “Welcome to my world, and while you’re here, why don’t you go look for the tool you need  behind the shed, maybe in the driveway or out in the yard.” Michael very sheepishly said: “I understand, what comes around, goes around.”

One of Pop's Favorite Jokes

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

“Well,” he said, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight’s “the” night. We’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out. And I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky after that.”

“Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time, so you’d better give me the 12 pack.”

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over to him and says, “You never told me that you were such a religious person.”

The boy leans over to her and whispers, “You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.”

Green Onions in the Cottage Cheese

If you haven’t read the story “Weak Stomach” then you need to read before reading this one.

Growing up we always had cottage cheese in our refrigerator. We ate cottage cheese with almost every meal. To this day I love good cottage cheese but I can longer have dairy products. As an added treat my mom or dad would add chopped green onions to the cottage cheese. To this day I have never seen anyone else add green onions to their cottage cheese, it is really quite good.  

This story would have taken place in the early 1960’s. My parents were living in Janesville, WS. They owned a Plymouth station wagon; I understand it was an entry level vehicle with vinyl interior. The family included my mom and dad, my siblings and a dog, a German shepherd I think but I’m not sure. I had not been born at his point in time.

It is winter in Wisconsin and the family would be heading out. Pop had just eaten cottage cheese with green onions a few minutes before the whole family including the dog loaded up in the Plymouth. Station wagon flying down the road, heater blasting away, five kids and a dog in zero gravity all combine for impending disaster.

It didn’t take long for the kids to get the dog acting up. My mom said she noticed a few dog hairs floating around the vehicle. She said she watched in horror as my dad inhaled one of the dog hairs.  That was all it took for the cottage cheese and green onions to make it back up!  Violently my dad vomited onto the windshield and down into the defroster vents. The trip was over.

To clean the vehicle my dad used the garden hose. He sprayed out what he could but in the process soaked the interior of the vehicle. My mom said the vehicle was never the same. The horn on the car would just off for no reason and usually during the late hours of the night. Pop would have to get up and disconnect the battery. They traded the vehicle shortly after that.

Weak Stomach

You need to read this story to have a little background on my dad for a few of the stories that I will post in the near future. I have a weak stomach but my dad had an even weaker stomach. You could have my dad gaging with the mention of certain things. Dinner conversations could easily become a source of great entertainment for us when you heard my dad gag from the end of the table.

If my dad was eating dinner you could walked behind him and pat him on the head to make him gag instantly . My sisters would do this to him constantly. The mention of cat hair would set my dad off. If you acted as if you were pulling hair (any type of hair) from your mouth and he saw you he would gag.  We tormented him at times and he always said the same thing: “Patty, why in hell do these kids do this to me?” 

So remember this about my dad. This will be important to know for a few of the stories to come.  

Smiles and Laughter!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G02qBqwrkM0

Smiles are important to me.  I can’t remember the movie this line is from but here it is: “I've never seen a smiling face that was not beautiful.” I can say that a genuine smile is a beautiful thing.  I enjoy seeing people smile. I’m sure it is just part of my personality and it may be some deep need but regardless it is part of what makes me happy. I probably inherited this from my father.

Hearing laughter, genuine laughter gives me one of the warmest feelings I have ever experienced. Even after 23 years I still love to hear my wife laugh. I still love making her laugh. I enjoy making perfect strangers laugh too.

Anyway, W.C. Fields once said: “Start each day with a smile and get it over with.” It is a funny quote but it has a meaning; get the first smile out of the way and as the day goes on the smiles become easier.  Think about it, when someone smiles at you it is hard to not smile back. So Today, tomorrow, and the next day give a stranger smile.  It might be the only sunshine he/she sees all day and it just might make you feel good too.