Learning the Hard Way - 24 lessons

Day after day, year after year there are lessons to learn.  Most of the lessons in life I have had to learn the hard way.  

Lesson 1: I am the only one responsible for what I do.

Lesson 2:  People who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences, are my heroes.

Lesson 3: Some of the people I expected to kick us when we were down where the ones who had our backs. Some of people I expected to have our back didn’t. 

Lesson 4: Kindness comes from the most un-expected places.

Lesson 5: After my good friend Warren died; I realized he and I could do anything or nothing and have the best time.

Lesson 6: You can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

Lesson 7: No matter how bad you feel, how bad you think things are there is always someone else who has it even worse.

Lesson 8: When a loved one is dying, it is a blessing for the rest of your life to be able to tell that loved one goodbye.

Lesson 9: You cannot make someone love you. You can strive to be someone who can be loved and leave the rest to them.

Lesson 10: Regardless of how much I care, some people will never care back.

Lesson 11: Trust can be destroyed in seconds after years of building it up.

Lesson 12:  I should never compare my best to the best of others… although I still do.

Lesson 13: You can dazzle and charm people for about 15 minutes, after that you better be able to show what you know.

Lesson 14: Keep going!  keep going even after you think you can’t. There is no hole so deep you cannot dig yourself out of.

Lesson 15: If I don’t control my attitude it will most definitely control me.

Lesson 16: Sometimes I have the right to be angry but when I am I have to learn to control my temper.

Lesson 17: Maturity has nothing to do with the number of years I have lived and everything to do with the experiences I have had.

Lesson 18: No matter what my background or circumstances, I am still responsible for who I have become.

Lesson 19: That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be…and to admit I’m still not that person.

Lesson 20: That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

Lesson 21: Never be eager to find out a secret.  It could change your life forever.

Lesson 22: No matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process.

Lesson 23:  Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

Lesson 24: People you don’t even know can change your life in a matter of moments.   

My Midlife Crisis Part 2: My father might have been Darth Vader

“Contrary to popular belief, a (man’s) midlife crisis is not all fun, games and fast cars” Quote from Lisa Bower

I have to say I enjoy looking at or analyzing what I’m going through at this stage of life. There is a real DARK SIDE to the Midlife crisis. Deep thought and reflection with moments of asking the question: What’s next?

I would suggest you go back and read my first blog on my midlife crisis before you continue. The link is: http://thelifeandtimesofpete.blogspot.com/2011/02/elvis-is-dead-and-im-not-feeling-too.html

The “Dark Side” of my midlife crisis. 

On the “Dark Side”  you want to express yourself - anger and everything! When I want to speak, I want to let it rip by saying whatever I want. I want to speak my peace to a few people and even say what I really think of them. I do find I’m far less guarded now and I like it. Not that I feel I was being dishonest before but as a friend of mine always said: “if you’re judging a baby contest don’t call the baby ugly, just don’t pick it to win.” I‘m more open with feelings but also hold back less when dealing with others.  It is like you realize that part of being a man is speaking your mind straight up and with no ice! So I will forgo the excesses of politeness without calling “the baby ugly” but I won’t be afraid of a little conflict either.  I once heard another person say: “Conflict is the sound of life happening and is never catastrophic.”

Reflection is another part of the “Dark Side.” The move in life I find I’m making is forcing me to reflect on the most severe of my secrets and the way I wish I could be instead of what I am. I’m forced to admit to myself the hurtful stuff, not just the pain I’ve endured but the pain I’ve caused. This isn’t about admitting anything “secret” to anyone but me. I have been told that our wounds are our uniqueness. I agree that the painful stuff has really caused me to gain a perspective on life that I didn’t have twenty years ago.

The “Dark Side” forces you to accept truths that you never thought about previously. It is about accepting the “brutal facts” and moving on. At age 36 the world was my oyster, but at 44 I’m trapped inside the damn thing gasping for air. Back then I accepted nothing at face value and now I am being forced to accept everything for what it is. I can’t go back and fix some things; there are no do-overs or make-up days.  Accepting the fact that I’m not immortal and quite possibly half or more of my life is over. YIKES, that is a scary thought.

The “Dark Side” has something called Midlife Depression!  The psychotherapist Thomas Moore argues, "Soul power may emerge from failure, depression, and loss." To deny our dark feelings is to cut ourselves off from what he calls "the gifts of depression." He's not recommending it is full on diagnosable depression but simply saying that the sunny-side-up persona is false and traps us in a limiting innocence. "The sadness of growing old is part of becoming an individual," he writes. "Melancholy thoughts carve out an interior space where wisdom can take up residence."   Okay, yes I’m a little depressed; it comes and goes but I’m not going to slit my wrists or harm myself in any way. I think everyone needs a little depression as Thomas Moore said. He calls it a “gift” but it doesn’t feel like it at the time. No trial ever looks that good when you are going through it, it is when you are done that it doesn’t look that bad at all. Until then I will have to wait.

On the “Dark Side” all the rules have changed for me. I’ve been very goal orientated most of my life but right now I don’t really have goals. I’ve started to re-think this idea of “having a road map.” Why should I grow or go in a certain direction? Without goals would Christopher Columbus have discovered the new world? Would Edison have invented the light bulb? No, but do you have to have goals set in stone to accomplish soemthing? Maybe set in stone goals aren't better than just saying I want to grow or move in a positive direction? I encourage my sons to always be moving forward even if it is just a little bit at a time; to grow personally every day. Maybe I should take my own advice and start growing in a broad direction instead of having a clear path that I think I should follow. It might be time to drop the “road map” and start “enjoying the journey by worrying less about the destination.”  

If there is a Promise Land on the Dark Side then the milk taste funny and there ain’t no honey. When it comes to a corporate career I have played that game and it was really pretty damn stupid. I thought I had reach “The Promise Land” when I went into business for myself. The fact is that it too can be a game that I don’t enjoy playing. Overall it has so much freedom; I wouldn’t want to work for anyone else.  I guess the idea that (at this age) success in business is the only key to my happiness was just folly.

The “Dark Side” makes you admit you are no longer the warrior. You're no longer young.  How does a General become a General? How does the tribal Chief become Chief? At some point in time both the General and the Chief made the transition from warrior to Wiseman. Only in the context of transition am I saying I am becoming the Wiseman; I’m not really sure how else to describe it. My time as a warrior is ending. My time to be recklessly enthusiastic about everything has gone.  Just like you have to make the transition from boy to warrior you also have to make the transition to Wiseman. I guess I don’t want to be the Wiseman, a tribal elder or the General. I want to hang on to my youth and not have to be the elder and or chief. I still want to hang out with the younger crowed, and fight the fights instead of advising the warriors and guiding the young. 

The “Dark Side” is like being lost in the woods. You fell pretty alone at times. Any time alone becomes very important.  I find myself being very quiet; l don't want to talk to anyone. You find yourself very content to never say a word if you can get away with it. You’re always self-examining when you have time alone. 

I suppose there are varying degrees of which men go through a midlife crisis. It is real and it does feel like a crisis at times. Who knows when it will be over?  Maybe I can milk it for another blog or two!

I will have to remember to ask my mom if my father was Darth Vader. 

One metaphor and I insulted my Brazilian daughter.

We have all heard and even used metaphors. Metaphors such as:  “I have too much on my plate” or “living like a rock star” or “he is a real train wreck.” I think I took for granted how our metaphors might sound to a foreigner.  “It’s raining cats and dogs” is used to describe a heavy downpour. “like finding a polar bear in snowstorm” or “A needle in a haystack” are both descriptions of the difficulty you might experience trying to complete any task or project.  All pretty easy for us to understand but not the case for those from other countries.

 Recently while talking with Talita I was being sarcastic and I used a metaphor. Well that was a bad idea. Talita is my surrogate daughter from Brazil South America. Honestly I would never say anything to insult her but I did the other evening. Add to this the fact that I was being a bit of a smart a**   and I “uncorked” a “fire storm” of responses.

Genius me asked the question; “so we should not care if you ‘crap or go blind’ ” which “went over like a lead balloon.”   Her response was first “???” and then “why are you being rude?”  That was followed by a barrage of other defensive responses.  I didn’t see the issue with what I said at first; I thought maybe her issue was with me being a bit of a smart mouth.  The sarcastic tone to my remark was lost, it was the metaphor that insulted her.  So after a few hours or writing in Portuguese,(2 hours = 3 paragraphs) checking word after word for spelling, looking up words for translation and correct context but forgetting about grammar, my apology was ready to be sent.  I haven’t heard back from Talita yet so I have to assume that I didn't write any additional insults in my note but I did apologize.   

So the lesson learned: Cautiously use metaphors around Talita in the future. 

So to minha filha, eu desculpe, eu desculpe, eu desculpe! Sempre seu pai. 

Coffee brewing at home.

Here is the most common question I’m ask: “Why doesn’t my home brewed coffee ever taste as good as the coffee you brew at your coffee house?” There are a lot of reasons for this. A few things are important; quality coffee, water and brewing equipment.

The quality of the coffee. Start by buying a 100% Arabica coffee. Most supermarket brands are blends of both Arabica and Robusta. Also, a lot of the cheaper brands will have “debris” in it. Yes, I said debris. The FDA actually allows up to 30% by volume to be debris. Debris accounting to the FDA can be moldy or unripe beans, rocks, stems and leaves, or other “inert matter.”  So you tell me why you can’t make a good cup of coffee with some brand named coffee?

As the price of coffee continues to rise the amount of “inert matter” will be pushed to 30% so the manufacturers to maintain their margins.  I would caution most against some of the brand name or supermarket brand coffee.  Honestly, the freshness of the coffee is never there when talking about supermarket/brand name coffee. You cannot roast, package, distribute and then retail on the scale that most brands and even brand name coffee houses do while maintaining a high degree of freshness. You can however at least eliminate the “inert matter” by buying a major coffee house brand product in your grocery store, it won’t be that fresh but it won’t have a bunch of junk in it. The down side could be the length of time a package of coffee has spent on the shelf but that can be hard to determine.

You want truly fresh coffee go right to the roaster-retailer in your area or one of your independent coffee houses. Why a coffee house? In our case we buy coffee directly from the roaster. The products we order are roasted for us and we receive these products with five days of roasting. We only order what we can use in a 7 day period. Everything we buy is whole bean and we grind as we need it. This is the case for most of the independent coffee houses in your area too. So buy whole bean from your local coffee shop to ensure the freshest possible coffee if you can’t buy directly from a local roaster.

Dos and Don’ts of Coffee: Do not buy more coffee than you can use in a week.  Buy whole bean coffee and grind it yourself as you need it. Don’t grind it the night before, grind it that morning. Do not store your coffee in the freezer or the refrigerator.  Most whole bean coffee will come in a re-closable bag so just use that and store it in a cabinet.

Grinding coffee: Without going into the science of varying particle size and how it affects extraction quality let me just say that a bur grinder is the best style of grinder to buy. The problem with blade grinders is you end up with a very un-even grind. A bur grinder provides and even cutting surface for the beans to pass through with gives you an even grind. Now, the cost of a bur grinder is higher verses a blade grinder but most bur grinders will be of higher quality and should get much more use out of it. Grinding flavored coffee in your grinder is taboo unless you have a designated grinder for flavored coffee.

Why use different grinders for regular coffee and flavored coffee? Coffee is flavoring is made with oils and after the coffee has been roasted and cooled it is coated with the favoring. This flavoring will taint the grinder with that flavor so the next time you grind a regular coffee it will pick up the flavors. There is a way to clean the grinder that is pretty effective but not recommended buy most “coffee snobs.” If you want to clean your grinder after using it for flavored coffee you can grind rice through the grinder followed by a little regular coffee. As funny as this statement is I have to make it: do not use cooked rice! Use a regular white rice and preferably not minute rice.

How much coffee should you use when brewing?  We brew in 72 once increments and use about 4.25 ounces for each pot.  If you have a standard 10 cup machine I would suggest you do the same. Most people however do not use this much coffee in their home brewer, they generally use about half that amount which give them an over extracted cup of watery coffee – Thus answering part of the question of why your coffee at home is not as good as the coffee at a coffee house.  I would suggest you use a minimum of 3 ounces per pot.

 What is the best way to brew coffee? My favorite way is to use a press pot or also called a French Press. I like the overall taste of the coffee made this way. You also get some of the “mud” with this method. If you aren’t using a press you are probably using a drip coffee maker.

We have a drip machine that has a built in grinder. This machine was a gift but I would suggest you stay away from “gadgety” if that is a word, machines like this. Stick with simple high quality home use or light commercial quality drip brewers. Ideally you should buy a coffee maker that has a reserve tank of hot water.  Having a hot water reserve decrease brew time and provides you with a steady flow of water which allows the ground coffee to be flooded and floated in the filter for a better extraction. Bunn makes a couple of home use models and even a light commercial model called the A-10. The a-10 is a $230 - $275 machine and is designed for small offices. Bunn also has home use models: BX or NHBX which should be around $100.00 at most stores.

Some of the “coffee snobs” overdue it on the water aspect of brewing. They would have you set up a filtration system that will first filter then deionize and then place the correct amount of minerals back in the water. Deionized water is not okay since it has been cleaned of everything. You want to some dissolved solids in your water to help with a better extraction.  Here is the thing; your tap water is probably okay. The only drawback to tap water is the amount of chlorine bleach in the water. Chlorine bleach doesn’t really add taste as much as it will cover some of the aroma of the coffee.

Follow the three things we covered, quality beans, good water and a good quality brewer and you will be able to make a better cup of coffee at home. 

I have to get a few things to get off my chest today!

I have to get a few things to get off my chest today!

The use of  the term “Back in the day.”  To me that phrase conjures up the image of something from a long time ago i.e. decades. It is a phrase I don’t expect anyone my age or younger to use. I expect someone 80 years old to say but that isn’t the case today. I hear sixteen and twenty year old say “back in the day” I always want to ask “And what day would that be, Tuesday, Wednesday?”  There is no “back in the day” for a teenager because “the day” is happening now!

“I’ll give it 110%!”  Not possible now is it? What, are you going to complete the job and then do 10 of it again? All I ask is for 100%. I just want my employees to do the entire job. 110% is also like going above and beyond. Where is the bar set at that you can you went above and beyond what is expected of you. Did you do something special to make a customer happy? If your job is taking care of customers and you made them happy then you did your job. Every customer will have a different expectation of service so maybe you just did what it took—and isn’t that the job?

 “Can I borrow?”  …a Kleenex, a piece of paper, a cup of sugar, a cigarette, and drink of water! No you can’t borrow any of these things. You borrow a car, a lawnmower, a rake, a pencil. Now if you need…you can have a Kleenex but I don’t want it back when you are done. I don’t want a used piece of paper back, a cigarette butt and I sure as hell don’t want the water back when you are done with it!

“Can I talk to you for a moment?” Here is a question I dread.  Any conversation started with this usually means I going to get hit with a solicitation for a charity or a hard luck story or worse…a customer wanting to tell me how to run my business. If I’m getting hit up by a salesperson the statement is followed up with “it will only take a few minutes.”  How many minutes is “just a few minutes?” Before I comment to another request for a few minutes of my time I want to know exactly how much time you want from me. I want to agree on exactly how much someone wants to take before I commit to giving it to them.

Speaking of Charities, I can’t hold this in any longer:

There are a lot of good charities out there doing very good things. Weekly I receive about 12 calls/letters from various charities, service organizations and schools asking for donations of merchandise, service and money. I can’t possibly give to everyone. Honestly as a percentage of business income I’m sure we give a higher percentage back to the community then larger organizations. I don’t think we are the exception among most small business owners, I would say we are the norm. I know my fellow business owners give just like we do and sometimes it is sacrificial. So there are a few things that really bother me and I want to get them off my chest.  Now I’m not trying make anyone mad---however I’m sure I will.

Let’s go into detail about solicitations from charities, service organizations, school groups, etc. I understand that people pick causes that are near and dear to their hearts. I understand that donations are what a group/charity needs to run on, use to fund projects, pay for uniforms and on and on. The reality of it is this: we cannot possibly give to every group, team, school or charity that requests a donation. What we do give on a yearly basis would surprise most people. As I said as a percentage of our total revenue-- it is really a large amount. So when we do give we wish that the recipient would at least act like they appreciated it…not that some don’t but honestly more act like we owed it to them and never say thanks. More expect it then say thanks and or genuinely appreciative. 

On the other side of charity solicitations you have people who get mad when we don’t give. We do try to spread donations around. If we gave to a group’s project or program this year we may not next year, opting to give to another group. Or the same group has multiple fundraisers and the people soliciting will expect a donation every time…please, for a small business it is just not possible to give every time.  And another thing about some larger charities, I understand you use volunteers to ask for donations but please organize yourselves by dividing the potential donors up so we don’t get six, eight, ten calls for the same organizations event or fundraiser!

Would some of you who solicit and volunteer for a charity please come back to earth? I don’t mean everyone, there are some folks who are very kind, very appreciative and very humble about what they do for their cause but there are others who are not. You know who you are; you are haughty, rude, and in general just volunteer so you can be seen as “doing something good!”  Why don’t you just do something good because it is the right thing to do?

Something else all of you “just to be seen” volunteers need to stop doing; don’t put conditions on how you will volunteer, just volunteer and do the job that is needed -- OKAY? I remember one event for a charity I am involved with where we needed a lot of volunteers. There were a few of us who worked almost the entire event and others who only had to work for 2 hours. This was my first real experience with the “just to be seen” people. We had one lady who had a two hour shift to work. She arrived about twenty minutes late but while she was checking in said she needed to go get something to eat. We had put someone in the “high visibility” spot that she was to be working and had to ask her to work another area when she came back from eating. She was mad and left. I witnessed the same thing over and over and was just so disappointed.

And another thing; It is great when you organization has a charity event. I love the see the spirit in which the events take place, the spirit of coming together for a common cause and working to an end result. But please don’t expect the world around you to stop for your event. I’m baffled by the attitude that we should allow our business to be disrupted to the point where we cannot function for an event.  And buy the way, we become the public restroom while the event is going on too! If you are going to make our business a public restroom for your people encourage them to at least buy a damn cookie or something. It cost on average about $200 per month per restroom to keep it clean, stocked with soap and paper goods and maintain the equipment. Please don’t assume there is no cost to me to have an extra 100 people in two hours use my restroom.

Last thing: Around Christmas time I get numerous calls from businesses that are far larger than me asking for door prizes for their employee Christmas party. Honestly, when did this become an acceptable business practice? Who in the hell is going to give me prizes for my employees? Why don’t you do what most businesses have done for years and buy the gifts for employees yourself or don’t buy anything at all but don’t be so damn cheap you ask for freebies!

Okay...I'm finished.

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Pete

Vacation With Sid - Photo's of a Party Animal

Sid was a gift from Michael. I'm not sure how Sid became our travel companion but he has. This year Sid went on vacation with us to Florida and here are a few photos of his activities. 

Sid flew to Florida with our friends. From the photo below you can see he had a pretty good time on the plane. 

Sid is wearing a muffin bag since he forgot his coat. 

The photo below shows Sid passed out after a little too much drink. The sky Marshall threatened to put Sid in restraints but Sid was out like a light before that had to happen. 

Sid sleeps with his eyes opened. 

It wasn't long before Sid started feeling a little sick to his stomach so he spent the rest of the flight in the bathroom. The suction on the toilets is way too strong for a little guy like Sid. He had to use shoestrings to hold himself on the toilet just to be safe. 

. 

Sid spent his first day sleeping of the plane ride bender. He said he had jet lag but the 

time is the same in Florida and Indiana. 

The next morning Sid was ready for a day on the beach. Before he headed for the sand he put his sunscreen on. 

Sid uses SPF 8, his fur and fungus really keeps him from burning.

Quick snack before we head to the beach. Sid needs a lot of fiber in his diet. 

Once we hit the beach Sid wanted to pose for a photo; he was trying to blend in with nature.
Can you see Sid?

The fungus on Sid's fur causes him to be really quite sticky. Volleyball is not a sport for Sid.

Once Sid finally decides to hit the stand he has a blast and made several friends. 

 Sid's new friend Carlos. Well friends until Carlos tried to put the moves on Sid.

Sid vomiting after he realizes he just swallowed a jellyfish.

Sid worked for an hour on this sandcastle. One little kid later it was flattened. We had to hold Sid back! He was going to beat the kid like a four year old in K-mart. 

Sid wanted us to bury him in the sand. Honestly he was being a pain in the ass so we left him there for an hour and a half. 

We felt guilty for leaving Sid buried for and hour and half so we treated him to some ice cream. 

 The end of a fun day on the beach.

Sid goes exploring around the area.

Sid can climb extremely well as a three toed sloth but he slip into this palm and was

wedged there for three hours. 

Again, Sid is stuck in this tree. This time it was his head. We had to call the 

fire department to get him free. 

Sid made a few more friends while exploring:

This is Little Arnold the Terminator.

Sid spent several hours with his new friend Cathy. They went back to her condo.

He said they were playing Parcheesi.

The trip to Key West.

Sid is like a little kid, he has to be where he can 

see out of the car or he gets car sick.

We stopped at a service plaza on the toll road. Sid's baggy of dandelions fell

 out of his pocket and he was arrested for carrying a controlled substance.  

Sid in the squad car! We were able to get him out of jail in a matter of minutes. 

Sid has an oder that the jailer wasn't fond of.

Sid looking out on the Bay of Florida.

Sid and Jackie on the Beach in Key West!

We took Sid fishing on Lake Okeechobee. Here are a few photos. 

Sid never stopped running his mouth! 

Sid wouldn't shut up so I started using him as the bait. 

Sid riding in the boat.

A day at Gator Park. 

Sid in the air boat. Sid thought the earplugs were marshmallows and ate them. 

Sid waiting for the famous animal show to start. 

He is a sloth so he is slow. Lucky for Sid he has a horrible fur 

fungus and the gator 

spit him out. 

We found Sid at the duck pond. Yeah that right it is a duck pond because 

there is only one duck otherwise it would have been

a ducks pond. 

A day at the pool with Sid.

Sid sat on the edge for a long time...he was too scared to get in the pool. He thought

the chlorine would kill his fur fungus. 

 Finally in the pool and everyone else got out! Sid tinkled in the pool. 

Sid laying on his Spider Man Beach towel that he just had to have. He only

used it once but he hounded us for an hour to buy it for him. 

Did I mention that Sid tinkled in the pool? The only problem was he was standing on the edge while he did it. man that was embarrassing. We said we didn't know him. 

Other random Sid photos.

 Sid ran out of tequila so he licked the blender clean. 

Sid was going to go sailing and thought he needed to look like a pirate! 

 Sid couldn't go sailing. He vomited just sitting on the boat. 

Last morning of vacation. Sid watches the sun rise

or so he said, we think he was really asleep.