My Midlife Crisis Part 2: My father might have been Darth Vader

“Contrary to popular belief, a (man’s) midlife crisis is not all fun, games and fast cars” Quote from Lisa Bower

I have to say I enjoy looking at or analyzing what I’m going through at this stage of life. There is a real DARK SIDE to the Midlife crisis. Deep thought and reflection with moments of asking the question: What’s next?

I would suggest you go back and read my first blog on my midlife crisis before you continue. The link is: http://thelifeandtimesofpete.blogspot.com/2011/02/elvis-is-dead-and-im-not-feeling-too.html

The “Dark Side” of my midlife crisis. 

On the “Dark Side”  you want to express yourself - anger and everything! When I want to speak, I want to let it rip by saying whatever I want. I want to speak my peace to a few people and even say what I really think of them. I do find I’m far less guarded now and I like it. Not that I feel I was being dishonest before but as a friend of mine always said: “if you’re judging a baby contest don’t call the baby ugly, just don’t pick it to win.” I‘m more open with feelings but also hold back less when dealing with others.  It is like you realize that part of being a man is speaking your mind straight up and with no ice! So I will forgo the excesses of politeness without calling “the baby ugly” but I won’t be afraid of a little conflict either.  I once heard another person say: “Conflict is the sound of life happening and is never catastrophic.”

Reflection is another part of the “Dark Side.” The move in life I find I’m making is forcing me to reflect on the most severe of my secrets and the way I wish I could be instead of what I am. I’m forced to admit to myself the hurtful stuff, not just the pain I’ve endured but the pain I’ve caused. This isn’t about admitting anything “secret” to anyone but me. I have been told that our wounds are our uniqueness. I agree that the painful stuff has really caused me to gain a perspective on life that I didn’t have twenty years ago.

The “Dark Side” forces you to accept truths that you never thought about previously. It is about accepting the “brutal facts” and moving on. At age 36 the world was my oyster, but at 44 I’m trapped inside the damn thing gasping for air. Back then I accepted nothing at face value and now I am being forced to accept everything for what it is. I can’t go back and fix some things; there are no do-overs or make-up days.  Accepting the fact that I’m not immortal and quite possibly half or more of my life is over. YIKES, that is a scary thought.

The “Dark Side” has something called Midlife Depression!  The psychotherapist Thomas Moore argues, "Soul power may emerge from failure, depression, and loss." To deny our dark feelings is to cut ourselves off from what he calls "the gifts of depression." He's not recommending it is full on diagnosable depression but simply saying that the sunny-side-up persona is false and traps us in a limiting innocence. "The sadness of growing old is part of becoming an individual," he writes. "Melancholy thoughts carve out an interior space where wisdom can take up residence."   Okay, yes I’m a little depressed; it comes and goes but I’m not going to slit my wrists or harm myself in any way. I think everyone needs a little depression as Thomas Moore said. He calls it a “gift” but it doesn’t feel like it at the time. No trial ever looks that good when you are going through it, it is when you are done that it doesn’t look that bad at all. Until then I will have to wait.

On the “Dark Side” all the rules have changed for me. I’ve been very goal orientated most of my life but right now I don’t really have goals. I’ve started to re-think this idea of “having a road map.” Why should I grow or go in a certain direction? Without goals would Christopher Columbus have discovered the new world? Would Edison have invented the light bulb? No, but do you have to have goals set in stone to accomplish soemthing? Maybe set in stone goals aren't better than just saying I want to grow or move in a positive direction? I encourage my sons to always be moving forward even if it is just a little bit at a time; to grow personally every day. Maybe I should take my own advice and start growing in a broad direction instead of having a clear path that I think I should follow. It might be time to drop the “road map” and start “enjoying the journey by worrying less about the destination.”  

If there is a Promise Land on the Dark Side then the milk taste funny and there ain’t no honey. When it comes to a corporate career I have played that game and it was really pretty damn stupid. I thought I had reach “The Promise Land” when I went into business for myself. The fact is that it too can be a game that I don’t enjoy playing. Overall it has so much freedom; I wouldn’t want to work for anyone else.  I guess the idea that (at this age) success in business is the only key to my happiness was just folly.

The “Dark Side” makes you admit you are no longer the warrior. You're no longer young.  How does a General become a General? How does the tribal Chief become Chief? At some point in time both the General and the Chief made the transition from warrior to Wiseman. Only in the context of transition am I saying I am becoming the Wiseman; I’m not really sure how else to describe it. My time as a warrior is ending. My time to be recklessly enthusiastic about everything has gone.  Just like you have to make the transition from boy to warrior you also have to make the transition to Wiseman. I guess I don’t want to be the Wiseman, a tribal elder or the General. I want to hang on to my youth and not have to be the elder and or chief. I still want to hang out with the younger crowed, and fight the fights instead of advising the warriors and guiding the young. 

The “Dark Side” is like being lost in the woods. You fell pretty alone at times. Any time alone becomes very important.  I find myself being very quiet; l don't want to talk to anyone. You find yourself very content to never say a word if you can get away with it. You’re always self-examining when you have time alone. 

I suppose there are varying degrees of which men go through a midlife crisis. It is real and it does feel like a crisis at times. Who knows when it will be over?  Maybe I can milk it for another blog or two!

I will have to remember to ask my mom if my father was Darth Vader.