As I write I can’t help but wonder how many people will read this. Truthfully this is a pretty open and honest personal assessment of this stage of life. Believing that this decade, my fourties have been and will continue to be one of the best times in my life. I find myself feeling a little bit obsessed with the questions: “Does my life matter?” and “What is next?”
The whole idea of me going through a midlife crisis is kind of offensive when someone else suggest it but not when I look at it for myself. So what does Elvis have to do with my midlife crisis? Nothing and it doesn't make sense. A midlife crisis doesn’t make sense to me either but here I am.
I found this mid-life crisis “symptom sampler” online. Symptoms are: insomnia, fatigue, weight gain, despair, morbidity, inability to concentrate, regret for roads not taken or other things in life you have not achieved or realized, dread that life holds no more surprises, regrets, sharp longing for something (a gunmetal Porsche, a cigarette boat) etc. I want to explore some of these and a few of my own observations of what may be my midlife crisis.
Insomnia. Yup, I don’t sleep as well anymore. I really didn’t think this was a sign of a mid-life crisis. I feel more bored with life right now and my thought is that insomnia is somehow a byproduct of feeling a little “lost in the woods.”
I’m taking longer to recover from injuries and illness. Morbidity. I have to laugh; I really don’t get over things as fast. I was hit with a case of prostatitis about a year and a half ago. Man that was a real bummer especially when I thought about. Having any kind of prostate problem makes you realize you’re getting a little older. Not mention the fact that you can pull a muscle easier or just have a pain or ache that you can’t explain. The “morbidity” factor or the increased probability that I will become ill or have a health issue isn’t a pleasant thought.
I’ve noticed I don't have as much physical stamina as you used to have. Twenty years ago I would have said; “a nap, what on earth is that?” Now I look forward to a nap.
I had put on more than a few pounds and was feeling a little overweight. I think vanity becomes a bit of an issue during the mid-life crisis. I have lost weight and I work out a little more. The idea that I hear the words “you look good” is a nice ego boost for me. When you reach this age I think your ego starts to become somewhat bruised by the fact that you won’t get a second look from a member of the opposite sex. It isn’t a matter of a younger lady wanting me, it is the fact you want to be noticed.
I’m going to have to get reading glasses to make out the small print. You can only look over the top of your glasses so long before even that does not work. This is one thing that is really pissing me off. I do not want bifocals…nope, not at all.
I feel anxious about the future, or maybe I’m just generally anxious and don't know exactly how to explain it. It has slowly dawned on me that I’ll probably never solemnly swear to preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution, write a novel or realize the big idea or dream of greatness. My big boyhood dreams were precious, and it's easy for me feel like a failure when it's clear that most of my dreams are dead. It is somewhat cruel from the standpoint that some of your dreams or ambitions are tattered at midlife and at a time when so many things come together in a good way.
I think I have been feeling a little depressed. Oh, I don’t think I have had bout of clinical depression but I’ve probably been depressed. I have noticed I’m more irritable and more emotional in general. There has been comfort in solitude for last several months. It isn’t that I want to ignore anyone but the soul searching involved in trying to set directional goals doesn’t allow for multi-tasking. Not that I was able to multi-task anyway.
Life isn't as much fun as it used to be so I find myself going with the flow more. I don’t know if “going with the flow” more is a bad thing for me or not. I have always been one to want things planned out and needing to know all the details..the who, want, when and where. I liked things regimented and organized now I really don’t care if they are or not.
I have started to question the value of what I do for a living, and can't think of what would fire my passion or enthusiasm. I can't seem to decide if I make decisions as easily as I used to. I wonder if I have lost some confidence in my abilities. I don’t have that reckless enthusiasm for my work like I did when I was 25. Today, I think that I am more patient, methodical and analytical when faced with making decisions. Regardless if it is a lack of confidence or just being more intentional with my decisions I defiantly take more time. This is probably a good thing overall since I take less chances and think things out in more detail. The real issue would come from a lack of action or decision making…or getting locked into indecision; so far that is not the case.
I think I have become more nostalgic. The Longing for my youth again! Well I suppose the boy is dead, and so are most of his dreams. It's probably important to admit they're gone, sit quietly for a while, and then move on. So grieving may be required…boo hoo…that is done. But if I cling to the persona of youth (to quote someone: "prop up the corpse" oh great, my memory is going too), I will find myself trapped in regret and nostalgia for the past. Maybe some regret is good? If I didn’t regret some things I would probably repeat those actions or lack of actions, now I can decide based on past experience to do things differently. As far as regret for roads not taken, without knowing what was on that road I don’t know how I could have a regret. Maybe the road I didn’t take would have been a disaster, maybe it would have been great but I won’t know. You can’t regret what you don’t know you missed.
Do I have longing for something? Well I didn’t buy the cigar boat but I did buy the gunmetal grey convertible. The car has been called my midlife crisis and in part I guess it is. Joking I suppose you could say it is my welcome to midlife present. I think the real longing is for a new set of goals and challenges.
I used the term feeling like “I’m lost in the woods.” This is the best metaphor to describe being in-between goals. Twenty, ten or five years ago I knew exactly what I wanted; the goals were in my mind. Today I feel a bit directionless since I can’t figure out what I want my next set of goals to be.
I’ve heard that we should enjoy the journey more and stop focusing so much on the destination. The question for me becomes, if I’m ever going to fully appreciate this part of the trip, how will I learn to swim around in more ambiguous waters i.e. have goals again. I’m cause and effect. I want rules that are clear cut and I want everything to make sense. Everything come downs to the bottom line or it should be black and white so I don’t really like the grey area of the journey called a “midlife” crisis.
After this little examination of my midlife crisis I have to ask: Where is the logic in expecting things, life and people to make sense? Where is the logic in expecting things to be black and white? I guess I shouldn’t expect things to make sense; nothing really does at this stage of life. Come to think of it; from my birth until now why should any of the stuff in between make sense either?
So it is with a smile on my face that I say: “Elvis is still dead but I feel a little better now!”
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