Midlife Crisis Part 1: Elvis is dead and I’m not feeling too good myself.
As I write I can’t help but wonder how many people will read this. Truthfully this is a pretty open and honest personal assessment of this stage of life. Believing that this decade, my forties have been and will continue to be one of the best times in my life. I find myself feeling a little bit obsessed with the questions: “Does my life matter?” and “What is next?”
The whole idea of me going through a midlife crisis is kind of offensive when someone else suggest it but not when I look at it for myself. So what does Elvis have to do with my midlife crisis? Nothing and it doesn't make sense. A midlife crisis doesn’t make sense to me either but here I am.
I found this mid-life crisis “symptom sampler” online. Symptoms are: insomnia, fatigue, weight gain, despair, morbidity, inability to concentrate, regret for roads not taken or other things in life you have not achieved or realized, dread that life holds no more surprises, regrets, sharp longing for something (a gunmetal Porsche, a cigarette boat) etc. I want to explore some of these and a few of my own observations of what may be my midlife crisis.
Insomnia. Yup, I don’t sleep as well anymore. I really didn’t think this was a sign of a mid-life crisis. I feel more bored with life right now and my thought is that insomnia is somehow a byproduct of feeling a little “lost in the woods.”
I’m taking longer to recover from injuries and illness. Morbidity. I have to laugh; I really don’t get over things as fast. I was hit with a case of prostatitis about a year and a half ago. Man that was a real bummer especially when I thought about. Having any kind of prostate problem makes you realize you’re getting a little older. Not mention the fact that you can pull a muscle easier or just have a pain or ache that you can’t explain. The “morbidity” factor or the increased probability that I will become ill or have a health issue isn’t a pleasant thought.
I’ve noticed I don't have as much physical stamina as you used to have. Twenty years ago I would have said; “a nap, what on earth is that?” Now I look forward to a nap.
I had put on more than a few pounds and was feeling a little overweight. I think vanity becomes a bit of an issue during the mid-life crisis. I have lost weight and I work out a little more. The idea that I hear the words “you look good” is a nice ego boost for me. When you reach this age I think your ego starts to become somewhat bruised by the fact that you won’t get a second look from a member of the opposite sex. It isn’t a matter of a younger lady wanting me, it is the fact you want to be noticed.
I’m going to have to get reading glasses to make out the small print. You can only look over the top of your glasses so long before even that does not work. This is one thing that is really pissing me off. I do not want bifocals…nope, not at all.
I feel anxious about the future, or maybe I’m just generally anxious and don't know exactly how to explain it. It has slowly dawned on me that I’ll probably never solemnly swear to preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution, write a novel or realize the big idea or dream of greatness. My big boyhood dreams were precious, and it's easy for me feel like a failure when it's clear that most of my dreams are dead. It is somewhat cruel from the standpoint that some of your dreams or ambitions are tattered at midlife and at a time when so many things come together in a good way.
I think I have been feeling a little depressed. Oh, I don’t think I have had bout of clinical depression but I’ve probably been depressed. I have noticed I’m more irritable and more emotional in general. There has been comfort in solitude for last several months. It isn’t that I want to ignore anyone but the soul searching involved in trying to set directional goals doesn’t allow for multi-tasking. Not that I was able to multi-task anyway.
Life isn't as much fun as it used to be so I find myself going with the flow more. I don’t know if “going with the flow” more is a bad thing for me or not. I have always been one to want things planned out and needing to know all the details: the who, want, when and where. I liked things regimented and organized now I really don’t care if they are or not.
I have started to question the value of what I do for a living, and can't think of what would fire my passion or enthusiasm. I can't seem to decide if I make decisions as easily as I used to. I wonder if I have lost some confidence in my abilities. I don’t have that reckless enthusiasm for my work like I did when I was 25. Today, I think that I am more patient, methodical and analytical when faced with making decisions. Regardless if it is a lack of confidence or just being more intentional with my decisions I defiantly take more time. This is probably a good thing overall since I take less chances and think things out in more detail. The real issue would come from a lack of action or decision making…or getting locked into indecision; so far that is not the case.
I think I have become more nostalgic. The Longing for my youth again! Well I suppose the boy is dead, and so are most of his dreams. It's probably important to admit they're gone, sit quietly for a while, and then move on. So grieving may be required…boo hoo…that is done. But if I cling to the persona of youth (to quote someone: "prop up the corpse" oh great, my memory is going too), I will find myself trapped in regret and nostalgia for the past. Maybe some regret is good? If I didn’t regret some things I would probably repeat those actions or lack of actions, now I can decide based on past experience to do things differently. As far as regret for roads not taken, without knowing what was on that road I don’t know how I could have a regret. Maybe the road I didn’t take would have been a disaster, maybe it would have been great but I won’t know. You can’t regret what you don’t know you missed.
Do I have longing for something? Well I didn’t buy the cigar boat but I did buy the gunmetal grey convertible. The car has been called my midlife crisis and in part I guess it is. Joking I suppose you could say it is my welcome to midlife present. I think the real longing is for a new set of goals and challenges.
I used the term feeling like “I’m lost in the woods.” This is the best metaphor to describe being in-between goals. Twenty, ten or five years ago I knew exactly what I wanted; the goals were in my mind. Today I feel a bit directionless since I can’t figure out what I want my next set of goals to be.
I’ve heard that we should enjoy the journey more and stop focusing so much on the destination. The question for me becomes, if I’m ever going to fully appreciate this part of the trip, how will I learn to swim around in more ambiguous waters i.e. have goals again. I’m cause and effect. I want rules that are clear cut and I want everything to make sense. Everything come downs to the bottom line or it should be black and white so I don’t really like the grey area of the journey called a “midlife” crisis.
After this little examination of my midlife crisis I have to ask: Where is the logic in expecting things, life and people to make sense? Where is the logic in expecting things to be black and white? I guess I shouldn’t expect things to make sense; nothing really does at this stage of life. Come to think of it; from my birth until now why should any of the stuff in between make sense either?
So it is with a smile on my face that I say: “Elvis is still dead but I feel a little better now!”
My Midlife Crisis Part 2: My father might have been Darth Vader because there is a Dark Side to Midlife.
“Contrary to popular belief, a (man’s) midlife crisis is not all fun, games and fast cars” Quote from Lisa Bower
I have to say I enjoy looking at or analyzing what I’m going through at this stage of life. There is a real DARK SIDE to the Midlife crisis. Deep thought and reflection with moments of asking the question: What’s next?
So what is the “Dark Side” of my midlife crisis.
On the “Dark Side” you want to express yourself - anger and everything! When I want to speak, I want to let it rip by saying whatever I want. I want to speak my peace to a few people and even say what I really think of them. I do find I’m far less guarded now and I like it. Not that I feel I was being dishonest before but as a friend of mine always said: “if you’re judging a baby contest don’t call the baby ugly, just don’t pick it to win.” I‘m more open with feelings but also hold back less when dealing with others. It is like you realize that part of being a man is speaking your mind straight up and with no ice! So I will forgo the excesses of politeness without calling “the baby ugly” but I won’t be afraid of a little conflict either. I once heard another person say: “Conflict is the sound of life happening and is never catastrophic.”
Reflection is another part of the “Dark Side.” The move in life I find I’m making is forcing me to reflect on the most severe of my secrets and the way I wish I could be instead of what I am. I’m forced to admit to myself the hurtful stuff, not just the pain I’ve endured but the pain I’ve caused. This isn’t about admitting anything “secret” to anyone but me. I have been told that our wounds are our uniqueness. I agree that the painful stuff has really caused me to gain a perspective on life that I didn’t have twenty years ago.
The “Dark Side” forces you to accept truths that you never thought about previously. It is about accepting the “brutal facts” and moving on. At age 36 the world was my oyster, but at 44 I’m trapped inside the damn thing gasping for air. Back then I accepted nothing at face value and now I am being forced to accept everything for what it is. I can’t go back and fix some things; there are no do-overs or make-up days. Accepting the fact that I’m not immortal and quite possibly half or more of my life is over. YIKES, that is a scary thought.
The “Dark Side” has something called Midlife Depression! The psychotherapist Thomas Moore argues, "Soul power may emerge from failure, depression, and loss." To deny our dark feelings is to cut ourselves off from what he calls "the gifts of depression." He's not recommending it is full on diagnosable depression but simply saying that the sunny-side-up persona is false and traps us in a limiting innocence. "The sadness of growing old is part of becoming an individual," he writes. "Melancholy thoughts carve out an interior space where wisdom can take up residence." Okay, yes I’m a little depressed; it comes and goes but I’m not going to slit my wrists or harm myself in any way. I think everyone needs a little depression as Thomas Moore said. He calls it a “gift” but it doesn’t feel like it at the time. No trial ever looks that good when you are going through it, it is when you are done that it doesn’t look that bad at all. Until then I will have to wait.
On the “Dark Side” all the rules have changed for me. I’ve been very goal orientated most of my life but right now I don’t really have goals. I’ve started to re-think this idea of “having a road map.” Why should I grow or go in a certain direction? Without goals would Christopher Columbus have discovered the new world? Would Edison have invented the light bulb? No, but do you have to have goals set in stone to accomplish something? Maybe set in stone goals aren't better than just saying I want to grow or move in a positive direction? I encourage my sons to always be moving forward even if it is just a little bit at a time; to grow personally every day. Maybe I should take my own advice and start growing in a broad direction instead of having a clear path that I think I should follow. It might be time to drop the “road map” and start “enjoying the journey by worrying less about the destination.”
If there is a Promise Land on the Dark Side then the milk taste funny and there ain’t no honey. When it comes to a corporate career I have played that game and it was really pretty damn stupid. I thought I had reach “The Promise Land” when I went into business for myself. The fact is that it too can be a game that I don’t enjoy playing. Overall it has so much freedom; I wouldn’t want to work for anyone else. I guess the idea that (at this age) success in business is the only key to my happiness was just folly.
The “Dark Side” makes you admit you are no longer the warrior. You're no longer young. How does a General become a General? How does the tribal Chief become Chief? At some point in time both the General and the Chief made the transition from warrior to Wiseman. Only in the context of transition am I saying I am becoming the Wiseman; I’m not really sure how else to describe it. My time as a warrior is ending. My time to be recklessly enthusiastic about everything has gone. Just like you have to make the transition from boy to warrior you also have to make the transition to Wiseman. I guess I don’t want to be the Wiseman, a tribal elder or the General. I want to hang on to my youth and not have to be the elder and or chief. I still want to hang out with the younger crowed, and fight the fights instead of advising the warriors and guiding the young.
The “Dark Side” is like being lost in the woods. You fell pretty alone at times. Any time alone becomes very important. I find myself being very quiet; l don't want to talk to anyone. You find yourself very content to never say a word if you can get away with it. You’re always self-examining when you have time alone.
I suppose there are varying degrees of which men go through a midlife crisis. It is real and it does feel like a crisis at times. Who knows when it will be over? Maybe I can milk it for another blog or two!
I will have to remember to ask my mom if my father was Darth Vader.
My Midlife Crisis part 3: The Bright Side!
Okay…I have given you the negative side of my mid-life crisis so now I will give you the positive. You know how you here younger people saying they are “finding themselves.” Well, I think mid-life crisis is all about finding yourself and who you really are.
I’ve already talked about this but I’m starting to say what I think rather than what I think others want to hear. I’m not trying to be cruel but I’m also not being guarded for fear of hurting anyone’s feelings. Now, I’m still using discretion if I think someone might be genuinely insulted but still trying to be open and honest.
Letting go of the emotions is a benefit. I care less about showing true emotion. I didn’t have a problem showing anger but now I am more whiling to openly show all my emotions. It is a positive in my eyes to be able to show compassion without worrying about one of the “guys” giving me a hard time. My Brazilian daughter and Michael’s present and last girlfriend have all brought out a “soft side” in me. Oh yes, if I get a daughter-n-law or granddaughter neither will do be able to do wrong in my eyes.
No fear! When you’re young you aren’t fearless you’re just stupid. You are recklessly enthusiastic about everything. You dive into everything without thinking. At this age I like being more decisive and knowing I have the wisdom of a few years. I suppose no fear is a stretch but I would say I’m pretty fearless. I’m not scared or reluctant to do the things I want to do and I know the difference between reckless enthusiasm and a passionate interest.
When you think about it, I have the perspective of about half my life to know there is another half out there that needs filling. Now I think I know how I want to fill it. I have been able to set a few goals in the last month or so. I have set some short and long term goals. So I know what I want, when I want to get it and how to get it.
So, how does this midlife crisis thing end? I think there might be new convertible in my future; maybe this time I will get a red one!
