My Midlife Crisis Part 2: My father might have been Darth Vader

“Contrary to popular belief, a (man’s) midlife crisis is not all fun, games and fast cars” Quote from Lisa Bower

I have to say I enjoy looking at or analyzing what I’m going through at this stage of life. There is a real DARK SIDE to the Midlife crisis. Deep thought and reflection with moments of asking the question: What’s next?

I would suggest you go back and read my first blog on my midlife crisis before you continue. The link is: http://thelifeandtimesofpete.blogspot.com/2011/02/elvis-is-dead-and-im-not-feeling-too.html

The “Dark Side” of my midlife crisis. 

On the “Dark Side”  you want to express yourself - anger and everything! When I want to speak, I want to let it rip by saying whatever I want. I want to speak my peace to a few people and even say what I really think of them. I do find I’m far less guarded now and I like it. Not that I feel I was being dishonest before but as a friend of mine always said: “if you’re judging a baby contest don’t call the baby ugly, just don’t pick it to win.” I‘m more open with feelings but also hold back less when dealing with others.  It is like you realize that part of being a man is speaking your mind straight up and with no ice! So I will forgo the excesses of politeness without calling “the baby ugly” but I won’t be afraid of a little conflict either.  I once heard another person say: “Conflict is the sound of life happening and is never catastrophic.”

Reflection is another part of the “Dark Side.” The move in life I find I’m making is forcing me to reflect on the most severe of my secrets and the way I wish I could be instead of what I am. I’m forced to admit to myself the hurtful stuff, not just the pain I’ve endured but the pain I’ve caused. This isn’t about admitting anything “secret” to anyone but me. I have been told that our wounds are our uniqueness. I agree that the painful stuff has really caused me to gain a perspective on life that I didn’t have twenty years ago.

The “Dark Side” forces you to accept truths that you never thought about previously. It is about accepting the “brutal facts” and moving on. At age 36 the world was my oyster, but at 44 I’m trapped inside the damn thing gasping for air. Back then I accepted nothing at face value and now I am being forced to accept everything for what it is. I can’t go back and fix some things; there are no do-overs or make-up days.  Accepting the fact that I’m not immortal and quite possibly half or more of my life is over. YIKES, that is a scary thought.

The “Dark Side” has something called Midlife Depression!  The psychotherapist Thomas Moore argues, "Soul power may emerge from failure, depression, and loss." To deny our dark feelings is to cut ourselves off from what he calls "the gifts of depression." He's not recommending it is full on diagnosable depression but simply saying that the sunny-side-up persona is false and traps us in a limiting innocence. "The sadness of growing old is part of becoming an individual," he writes. "Melancholy thoughts carve out an interior space where wisdom can take up residence."   Okay, yes I’m a little depressed; it comes and goes but I’m not going to slit my wrists or harm myself in any way. I think everyone needs a little depression as Thomas Moore said. He calls it a “gift” but it doesn’t feel like it at the time. No trial ever looks that good when you are going through it, it is when you are done that it doesn’t look that bad at all. Until then I will have to wait.

On the “Dark Side” all the rules have changed for me. I’ve been very goal orientated most of my life but right now I don’t really have goals. I’ve started to re-think this idea of “having a road map.” Why should I grow or go in a certain direction? Without goals would Christopher Columbus have discovered the new world? Would Edison have invented the light bulb? No, but do you have to have goals set in stone to accomplish soemthing? Maybe set in stone goals aren't better than just saying I want to grow or move in a positive direction? I encourage my sons to always be moving forward even if it is just a little bit at a time; to grow personally every day. Maybe I should take my own advice and start growing in a broad direction instead of having a clear path that I think I should follow. It might be time to drop the “road map” and start “enjoying the journey by worrying less about the destination.”  

If there is a Promise Land on the Dark Side then the milk taste funny and there ain’t no honey. When it comes to a corporate career I have played that game and it was really pretty damn stupid. I thought I had reach “The Promise Land” when I went into business for myself. The fact is that it too can be a game that I don’t enjoy playing. Overall it has so much freedom; I wouldn’t want to work for anyone else.  I guess the idea that (at this age) success in business is the only key to my happiness was just folly.

The “Dark Side” makes you admit you are no longer the warrior. You're no longer young.  How does a General become a General? How does the tribal Chief become Chief? At some point in time both the General and the Chief made the transition from warrior to Wiseman. Only in the context of transition am I saying I am becoming the Wiseman; I’m not really sure how else to describe it. My time as a warrior is ending. My time to be recklessly enthusiastic about everything has gone.  Just like you have to make the transition from boy to warrior you also have to make the transition to Wiseman. I guess I don’t want to be the Wiseman, a tribal elder or the General. I want to hang on to my youth and not have to be the elder and or chief. I still want to hang out with the younger crowed, and fight the fights instead of advising the warriors and guiding the young. 

The “Dark Side” is like being lost in the woods. You fell pretty alone at times. Any time alone becomes very important.  I find myself being very quiet; l don't want to talk to anyone. You find yourself very content to never say a word if you can get away with it. You’re always self-examining when you have time alone. 

I suppose there are varying degrees of which men go through a midlife crisis. It is real and it does feel like a crisis at times. Who knows when it will be over?  Maybe I can milk it for another blog or two!

I will have to remember to ask my mom if my father was Darth Vader. 

One metaphor and I insulted my Brazilian daughter.

We have all heard and even used metaphors. Metaphors such as:  “I have too much on my plate” or “living like a rock star” or “he is a real train wreck.” I think I took for granted how our metaphors might sound to a foreigner.  “It’s raining cats and dogs” is used to describe a heavy downpour. “like finding a polar bear in snowstorm” or “A needle in a haystack” are both descriptions of the difficulty you might experience trying to complete any task or project.  All pretty easy for us to understand but not the case for those from other countries.

 Recently while talking with Talita I was being sarcastic and I used a metaphor. Well that was a bad idea. Talita is my surrogate daughter from Brazil South America. Honestly I would never say anything to insult her but I did the other evening. Add to this the fact that I was being a bit of a smart a**   and I “uncorked” a “fire storm” of responses.

Genius me asked the question; “so we should not care if you ‘crap or go blind’ ” which “went over like a lead balloon.”   Her response was first “???” and then “why are you being rude?”  That was followed by a barrage of other defensive responses.  I didn’t see the issue with what I said at first; I thought maybe her issue was with me being a bit of a smart mouth.  The sarcastic tone to my remark was lost, it was the metaphor that insulted her.  So after a few hours or writing in Portuguese,(2 hours = 3 paragraphs) checking word after word for spelling, looking up words for translation and correct context but forgetting about grammar, my apology was ready to be sent.  I haven’t heard back from Talita yet so I have to assume that I didn't write any additional insults in my note but I did apologize.   

So the lesson learned: Cautiously use metaphors around Talita in the future. 

So to minha filha, eu desculpe, eu desculpe, eu desculpe! Sempre seu pai. 

Coffee brewing at home.

Here is the most common question I’m ask: “Why doesn’t my home brewed coffee ever taste as good as the coffee you brew at your coffee house?” There are a lot of reasons for this. A few things are important; quality coffee, water and brewing equipment.

The quality of the coffee. Start by buying a 100% Arabica coffee. Most supermarket brands are blends of both Arabica and Robusta. Also, a lot of the cheaper brands will have “debris” in it. Yes, I said debris. The FDA actually allows up to 30% by volume to be debris. Debris accounting to the FDA can be moldy or unripe beans, rocks, stems and leaves, or other “inert matter.”  So you tell me why you can’t make a good cup of coffee with some brand named coffee?

As the price of coffee continues to rise the amount of “inert matter” will be pushed to 30% so the manufacturers to maintain their margins.  I would caution most against some of the brand name or supermarket brand coffee.  Honestly, the freshness of the coffee is never there when talking about supermarket/brand name coffee. You cannot roast, package, distribute and then retail on the scale that most brands and even brand name coffee houses do while maintaining a high degree of freshness. You can however at least eliminate the “inert matter” by buying a major coffee house brand product in your grocery store, it won’t be that fresh but it won’t have a bunch of junk in it. The down side could be the length of time a package of coffee has spent on the shelf but that can be hard to determine.

You want truly fresh coffee go right to the roaster-retailer in your area or one of your independent coffee houses. Why a coffee house? In our case we buy coffee directly from the roaster. The products we order are roasted for us and we receive these products with five days of roasting. We only order what we can use in a 7 day period. Everything we buy is whole bean and we grind as we need it. This is the case for most of the independent coffee houses in your area too. So buy whole bean from your local coffee shop to ensure the freshest possible coffee if you can’t buy directly from a local roaster.

Dos and Don’ts of Coffee: Do not buy more coffee than you can use in a week.  Buy whole bean coffee and grind it yourself as you need it. Don’t grind it the night before, grind it that morning. Do not store your coffee in the freezer or the refrigerator.  Most whole bean coffee will come in a re-closable bag so just use that and store it in a cabinet.

Grinding coffee: Without going into the science of varying particle size and how it affects extraction quality let me just say that a bur grinder is the best style of grinder to buy. The problem with blade grinders is you end up with a very un-even grind. A bur grinder provides and even cutting surface for the beans to pass through with gives you an even grind. Now, the cost of a bur grinder is higher verses a blade grinder but most bur grinders will be of higher quality and should get much more use out of it. Grinding flavored coffee in your grinder is taboo unless you have a designated grinder for flavored coffee.

Why use different grinders for regular coffee and flavored coffee? Coffee is flavoring is made with oils and after the coffee has been roasted and cooled it is coated with the favoring. This flavoring will taint the grinder with that flavor so the next time you grind a regular coffee it will pick up the flavors. There is a way to clean the grinder that is pretty effective but not recommended buy most “coffee snobs.” If you want to clean your grinder after using it for flavored coffee you can grind rice through the grinder followed by a little regular coffee. As funny as this statement is I have to make it: do not use cooked rice! Use a regular white rice and preferably not minute rice.

How much coffee should you use when brewing?  We brew in 72 once increments and use about 4.25 ounces for each pot.  If you have a standard 10 cup machine I would suggest you do the same. Most people however do not use this much coffee in their home brewer, they generally use about half that amount which give them an over extracted cup of watery coffee – Thus answering part of the question of why your coffee at home is not as good as the coffee at a coffee house.  I would suggest you use a minimum of 3 ounces per pot.

 What is the best way to brew coffee? My favorite way is to use a press pot or also called a French Press. I like the overall taste of the coffee made this way. You also get some of the “mud” with this method. If you aren’t using a press you are probably using a drip coffee maker.

We have a drip machine that has a built in grinder. This machine was a gift but I would suggest you stay away from “gadgety” if that is a word, machines like this. Stick with simple high quality home use or light commercial quality drip brewers. Ideally you should buy a coffee maker that has a reserve tank of hot water.  Having a hot water reserve decrease brew time and provides you with a steady flow of water which allows the ground coffee to be flooded and floated in the filter for a better extraction. Bunn makes a couple of home use models and even a light commercial model called the A-10. The a-10 is a $230 - $275 machine and is designed for small offices. Bunn also has home use models: BX or NHBX which should be around $100.00 at most stores.

Some of the “coffee snobs” overdue it on the water aspect of brewing. They would have you set up a filtration system that will first filter then deionize and then place the correct amount of minerals back in the water. Deionized water is not okay since it has been cleaned of everything. You want to some dissolved solids in your water to help with a better extraction.  Here is the thing; your tap water is probably okay. The only drawback to tap water is the amount of chlorine bleach in the water. Chlorine bleach doesn’t really add taste as much as it will cover some of the aroma of the coffee.

Follow the three things we covered, quality beans, good water and a good quality brewer and you will be able to make a better cup of coffee at home. 

I have to get a few things to get off my chest today!

I have to get a few things to get off my chest today!

The use of  the term “Back in the day.”  To me that phrase conjures up the image of something from a long time ago i.e. decades. It is a phrase I don’t expect anyone my age or younger to use. I expect someone 80 years old to say but that isn’t the case today. I hear sixteen and twenty year old say “back in the day” I always want to ask “And what day would that be, Tuesday, Wednesday?”  There is no “back in the day” for a teenager because “the day” is happening now!

“I’ll give it 110%!”  Not possible now is it? What, are you going to complete the job and then do 10 of it again? All I ask is for 100%. I just want my employees to do the entire job. 110% is also like going above and beyond. Where is the bar set at that you can you went above and beyond what is expected of you. Did you do something special to make a customer happy? If your job is taking care of customers and you made them happy then you did your job. Every customer will have a different expectation of service so maybe you just did what it took—and isn’t that the job?

 “Can I borrow?”  …a Kleenex, a piece of paper, a cup of sugar, a cigarette, and drink of water! No you can’t borrow any of these things. You borrow a car, a lawnmower, a rake, a pencil. Now if you need…you can have a Kleenex but I don’t want it back when you are done. I don’t want a used piece of paper back, a cigarette butt and I sure as hell don’t want the water back when you are done with it!

“Can I talk to you for a moment?” Here is a question I dread.  Any conversation started with this usually means I going to get hit with a solicitation for a charity or a hard luck story or worse…a customer wanting to tell me how to run my business. If I’m getting hit up by a salesperson the statement is followed up with “it will only take a few minutes.”  How many minutes is “just a few minutes?” Before I comment to another request for a few minutes of my time I want to know exactly how much time you want from me. I want to agree on exactly how much someone wants to take before I commit to giving it to them.

Speaking of Charities, I can’t hold this in any longer:

There are a lot of good charities out there doing very good things. Weekly I receive about 12 calls/letters from various charities, service organizations and schools asking for donations of merchandise, service and money. I can’t possibly give to everyone. Honestly as a percentage of business income I’m sure we give a higher percentage back to the community then larger organizations. I don’t think we are the exception among most small business owners, I would say we are the norm. I know my fellow business owners give just like we do and sometimes it is sacrificial. So there are a few things that really bother me and I want to get them off my chest.  Now I’m not trying make anyone mad---however I’m sure I will.

Let’s go into detail about solicitations from charities, service organizations, school groups, etc. I understand that people pick causes that are near and dear to their hearts. I understand that donations are what a group/charity needs to run on, use to fund projects, pay for uniforms and on and on. The reality of it is this: we cannot possibly give to every group, team, school or charity that requests a donation. What we do give on a yearly basis would surprise most people. As I said as a percentage of our total revenue-- it is really a large amount. So when we do give we wish that the recipient would at least act like they appreciated it…not that some don’t but honestly more act like we owed it to them and never say thanks. More expect it then say thanks and or genuinely appreciative. 

On the other side of charity solicitations you have people who get mad when we don’t give. We do try to spread donations around. If we gave to a group’s project or program this year we may not next year, opting to give to another group. Or the same group has multiple fundraisers and the people soliciting will expect a donation every time…please, for a small business it is just not possible to give every time.  And another thing about some larger charities, I understand you use volunteers to ask for donations but please organize yourselves by dividing the potential donors up so we don’t get six, eight, ten calls for the same organizations event or fundraiser!

Would some of you who solicit and volunteer for a charity please come back to earth? I don’t mean everyone, there are some folks who are very kind, very appreciative and very humble about what they do for their cause but there are others who are not. You know who you are; you are haughty, rude, and in general just volunteer so you can be seen as “doing something good!”  Why don’t you just do something good because it is the right thing to do?

Something else all of you “just to be seen” volunteers need to stop doing; don’t put conditions on how you will volunteer, just volunteer and do the job that is needed -- OKAY? I remember one event for a charity I am involved with where we needed a lot of volunteers. There were a few of us who worked almost the entire event and others who only had to work for 2 hours. This was my first real experience with the “just to be seen” people. We had one lady who had a two hour shift to work. She arrived about twenty minutes late but while she was checking in said she needed to go get something to eat. We had put someone in the “high visibility” spot that she was to be working and had to ask her to work another area when she came back from eating. She was mad and left. I witnessed the same thing over and over and was just so disappointed.

And another thing; It is great when you organization has a charity event. I love the see the spirit in which the events take place, the spirit of coming together for a common cause and working to an end result. But please don’t expect the world around you to stop for your event. I’m baffled by the attitude that we should allow our business to be disrupted to the point where we cannot function for an event.  And buy the way, we become the public restroom while the event is going on too! If you are going to make our business a public restroom for your people encourage them to at least buy a damn cookie or something. It cost on average about $200 per month per restroom to keep it clean, stocked with soap and paper goods and maintain the equipment. Please don’t assume there is no cost to me to have an extra 100 people in two hours use my restroom.

Last thing: Around Christmas time I get numerous calls from businesses that are far larger than me asking for door prizes for their employee Christmas party. Honestly, when did this become an acceptable business practice? Who in the hell is going to give me prizes for my employees? Why don’t you do what most businesses have done for years and buy the gifts for employees yourself or don’t buy anything at all but don’t be so damn cheap you ask for freebies!

Okay...I'm finished.

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Pete

Vacation With Sid - Photo's of a Party Animal

Sid was a gift from Michael. I'm not sure how Sid became our travel companion but he has. This year Sid went on vacation with us to Florida and here are a few photos of his activities. 

Sid flew to Florida with our friends. From the photo below you can see he had a pretty good time on the plane. 

Sid is wearing a muffin bag since he forgot his coat. 

The photo below shows Sid passed out after a little too much drink. The sky Marshall threatened to put Sid in restraints but Sid was out like a light before that had to happen. 

Sid sleeps with his eyes opened. 

It wasn't long before Sid started feeling a little sick to his stomach so he spent the rest of the flight in the bathroom. The suction on the toilets is way too strong for a little guy like Sid. He had to use shoestrings to hold himself on the toilet just to be safe. 

. 

Sid spent his first day sleeping of the plane ride bender. He said he had jet lag but the 

time is the same in Florida and Indiana. 

The next morning Sid was ready for a day on the beach. Before he headed for the sand he put his sunscreen on. 

Sid uses SPF 8, his fur and fungus really keeps him from burning.

Quick snack before we head to the beach. Sid needs a lot of fiber in his diet. 

Once we hit the beach Sid wanted to pose for a photo; he was trying to blend in with nature.
Can you see Sid?

The fungus on Sid's fur causes him to be really quite sticky. Volleyball is not a sport for Sid.

Once Sid finally decides to hit the stand he has a blast and made several friends. 

 Sid's new friend Carlos. Well friends until Carlos tried to put the moves on Sid.

Sid vomiting after he realizes he just swallowed a jellyfish.

Sid worked for an hour on this sandcastle. One little kid later it was flattened. We had to hold Sid back! He was going to beat the kid like a four year old in K-mart. 

Sid wanted us to bury him in the sand. Honestly he was being a pain in the ass so we left him there for an hour and a half. 

We felt guilty for leaving Sid buried for and hour and half so we treated him to some ice cream. 

 The end of a fun day on the beach.

Sid goes exploring around the area.

Sid can climb extremely well as a three toed sloth but he slip into this palm and was

wedged there for three hours. 

Again, Sid is stuck in this tree. This time it was his head. We had to call the 

fire department to get him free. 

Sid made a few more friends while exploring:

This is Little Arnold the Terminator.

Sid spent several hours with his new friend Cathy. They went back to her condo.

He said they were playing Parcheesi.

The trip to Key West.

Sid is like a little kid, he has to be where he can 

see out of the car or he gets car sick.

We stopped at a service plaza on the toll road. Sid's baggy of dandelions fell

 out of his pocket and he was arrested for carrying a controlled substance.  

Sid in the squad car! We were able to get him out of jail in a matter of minutes. 

Sid has an oder that the jailer wasn't fond of.

Sid looking out on the Bay of Florida.

Sid and Jackie on the Beach in Key West!

We took Sid fishing on Lake Okeechobee. Here are a few photos. 

Sid never stopped running his mouth! 

Sid wouldn't shut up so I started using him as the bait. 

Sid riding in the boat.

A day at Gator Park. 

Sid in the air boat. Sid thought the earplugs were marshmallows and ate them. 

Sid waiting for the famous animal show to start. 

He is a sloth so he is slow. Lucky for Sid he has a horrible fur 

fungus and the gator 

spit him out. 

We found Sid at the duck pond. Yeah that right it is a duck pond because 

there is only one duck otherwise it would have been

a ducks pond. 

A day at the pool with Sid.

Sid sat on the edge for a long time...he was too scared to get in the pool. He thought

the chlorine would kill his fur fungus. 

 Finally in the pool and everyone else got out! Sid tinkled in the pool. 

Sid laying on his Spider Man Beach towel that he just had to have. He only

used it once but he hounded us for an hour to buy it for him. 

Did I mention that Sid tinkled in the pool? The only problem was he was standing on the edge while he did it. man that was embarrassing. We said we didn't know him. 

Other random Sid photos.

 Sid ran out of tequila so he licked the blender clean. 

Sid was going to go sailing and thought he needed to look like a pirate! 

 Sid couldn't go sailing. He vomited just sitting on the boat. 

Last morning of vacation. Sid watches the sun rise

or so he said, we think he was really asleep. 

Day 8 Exploring the Area

Jackie and I had a condo in Pompano Beach. Our condo was on the beach, there are two identical buildings on the property. We were staying in the North condo and in between it and the south condo was a great pool area.  It was a cool place except we had pretty much nothing but blue hairs in the complex. The following week started spring break for many colleges and universities around the country so the area would fill up with a younger crowd at that time. At 44 years old I was probably the youngest person at our complex.

With the exception of all the keys and driving through the South Eastern side of Florida this was my first extended stay in that area. From the pan handle to Naples from Key West to Jacksonville I have seen the entire state now.

Back up: after the Gator Park on day seven we went to a little shopping area south of our condo. We parked and starting walking around. There are a lot of vacant commercial properties in this area. You can see the area has suffered from the recession. Anyway, we came across this little Italian bakery called Pan’e Dolci. I had a fruit tart which was the best! Jackie had tiramisu that she said was good but I don’t think it was great.

On the eighth day of vacation we decided to explore the area more. 

For lunch we ate at a Greek restaurant called the Greek Islands Taverna. I like Greek food. Having spent a lot of time in the Clearwater Florida area we always make a trip to Tarpon Springs to visit the sponge docks and eat at one of the little Greek restaurants along the dock. The Greek Island Taverna was a pretty busy place. The parking lot was filled high end autos such as Bentleys, BMW’s, Mercedes, and so on. My little Japanese sports car convertible really looked out of place.  

As we walked around to the front of the building in our flip flops and shorts we noticed that most of the people were pretty well dressed. We decided to sit out on the front porch area. The waiter saw us but pretty much ignored us for a while. Finally he brought us a menu and asked for our drink orders. Honestly, I don’t care that I don’t have the money that some of the patrons had. I’m sure next to the wait staff we were probably the poorest people there but my money is still green and still spends the same as everyone else’s.  Our waiter was really kind of stand-offish when it can to us. He was clearly kissing the ass of the folks with the money but acted as if we were an inconvenience. We didn’t complain even though we didn’t get any pita bread with our saganaki and honestly I was afraid to ask. I wouldn’t recommend this place to anyone if the attitude and service we received is SOP for the place. I have had much better Greek Food in Indianapolis and Chicago.

Our condo was located on Ocean BLVD which is the main drag or A-1A which runs along the beaches. Ten miles south of us on Ocean BLVD is the Ft. Lauderdale beach area. We had been in Pompano Beach for a week before we went down to this area. As I said above, this was the first time I had really spent any time in the South East part of Florida so I didn’t know what to expect.  There is a lot to do in this area and I think Jackie and would have spent more time in this area had we found it earlier in the week.

We explored every shop on the strip. Jackie was looking for a hoody and finally found one at an open air two story mall. We ate at the Hooters in this mall area. I like Hooters…wings because they are breaded. They also serve buffalo shrimp which is another favorite. We stayed in Ft. Lauderdale beach until after dark before heading back to the condo.

This was our last night in Florida. Morning would arrive and we would pack things up for our trip back to Indiana. Vacation would be over. 

Vacation Day 7

Every Florida vacation you have to go to at least one cheesy tourist trap attraction. From a crappy museum to a dirty animal park, I would be whiling to bet the majority of us have been to one these places. This trip to Florida was no exception. We or should I say I chose Gator Park. This place has a Miami address but it is way out on the edge of the Everglades.

Okay, so the top on the car is down. We are driving along the edge of the everglades on hwy 41 yes, it is US highway 41.  It is a beautiful drive, the sun is shining and we are on vacation headed for a Alligator park and an air boat ride in the everglades.

You have to understand that I have a fascination with alligators. I wouldn’t have an alligator for a pet but I think they are really cool.  These are one of the most amazing creatures on the planet. Example: did you know if an alligator eats something but its body temperature isn’t high enough it will die? The reason is that the meat or whatever the gator eats will spoil in the alligator’s stomach therefore poisoning the gator. Also, these things can live to be 50 years old!

Okay, back to Gator Park. I’m pretty excited as we pull into the parking lot. To my left are several airboats lined up with the airboat captains standing under a small shelter. Each captain is sporting his or her safari garb looking uniform including hat.  The airboats are sitting on a narrow canal that looks as if it disappears into the “wild” everglades. This gives us the perception that once we leave on the boat we may never find our way back!

We have to buy a ticket for the park in the gift shop. Surprise, they always find a way to get you in the gift shop. The guys behind the counter have the same safari garb type uniforms one which takes away from the mystery of the air boat captains. Anyway, we buy or tickets which are $22.00 a piece for the air boat ride and the animal show. When they give you your tickets they also hand you disposable ear plugs which add a new level of excitement when you think “I must have ear protection!”  Oh, we had a coupon book so we got a “buy one ticket get one free” which made me happy after the airboat trip but we’ll get to that in a minute. The boat doesn’t leave till 10:00 a.m. so we wait.  

Time to get on the boat and we are the last two on. The boat has five rows of bench seats and each seat holds five people.  Jackie and I get on the boat so there are twenty-six people on the boat, one captain and twenty-six dumb ass tourists. The captain gives us a few cautionary instructions intended for our protection but also with a low level of theatrics for additional effect. Everybody is instructed that alligators can jump up to three feet in the air so keep your body parts inside the boat.  We are also told that we will be told when to use our earplugs.

The captain unties the boat and jumps in. The engine revs to life and slowly moves forward to a small area that we can turn around and head down the canal. The engine dies and we cost a few yards were the captain points out the first alligator named pork chop or something stupid like that. It is obvious this alligator is tame and probably been raised by the people at Gator Park. This aside,  I’m still pretty excited because we will be heading into the “wild” everglades.

The boat roars to life again and ten seconds later it is shut off so the captain can point out a tree and in the tree is a bird. Boat roars to life again and ten seconds later it is shut off again so the captain can point out s turtle. This happens several more times and each time it is to point out something I have seen before. I’m really getting pissed off because I want to see wild alligators not a tree, turtle, bird, plant or frog.  Boat engine running, boat engine off and BINGO an alligator, the first alligator and all you can see is his head but that doesn’t curb my excitement to see one in the wild.

The boat captain asked us if we want a crazy or easy boat ride through the everglade. Everyone in the boat yells crazy so he tells us to put in the earplugs and off we’ll go.  The airboat engine winds up and we pick up speed down the canal and a turn out into the open everglades. We are moving pretty fast when the captain turns the boat and it gently jumps to the side throwing water over everyone in the boat. Turn, gentle jump, water over the boat, turn, jump, water, this goes on several times before the engine stops and the boat coasts to a stop. Our “crazy” boat ride lasted about two minutes and I’m pissed off because I have swamp water on my glasses! The captain jumps out of the boat, talks about the everglades for about five minutes and off we go again.

Turn, gently jump, splash, turn gently jump, splash. Damn the captain, while we were stopped I dried the swamp water off my glasses and now I have swamp water all over me. I hate getting wet with water from a lake or stream. Do you know what kind of germs, bacteria and pathogens are in swamp water? Have you every watch the survivor guy on Discovery Channel, he never drinks water like this without boiling it first…do you know why?  Because he doesn’t want to get sick and I’m in an airboat getting sprayed with dirty swamp water!

So 2 minutes later we head down another canal and off goes the engine. The captain points out another weed, turtle and bird. Engine on and ten seconds later engine is off for the captain to point out an alligator.  I don’t even try to look for this alligator because I just don’t care, I have swamp water on me and I can think about now is some kind of swamp sickness.  The rest of the airboat ride is boat on, ten second and boat off, boat on and ten seconds later boat off, on, off, on, off until the ride is over and I thank God it is over!

Now before we could get out of the boat the captain informs us that he works for tips and everything is appreciated. People start getting out of the boat but we wait a little for some of the folks to clear off the dock. Some of the older folks were still on the boat. The captain made sure he positioned himself so no one could go by him without looking at him, probably to maximize his tips. 

Anyway we are on the dock and a gentlemen seated in from of us is having a hard getting out of the boat. Our captain move toward us to make sure he gets his tips from us but ignores the guy trying to get out of the boat. I hand the captain a tip and head over to help get this guy up onto the dock. I reach down with both of my hand and grab his hand to steady him. He pulls up as I lean back and he steps up with no problem. He thanks me and hands the captain his tip.

Now…there is a rather large older lady who can’t get out of the boat, same process but she doesn’t have enough strength and I don’t have enough weight on me to pull her onto the dock. Boat captain is watching as she hands me a tip that was intended for him. The lady then gets on her hand and knees on the boat seat and crawls onto the dock. She still isn’t to her feet yet and I’m trying to help her, the captain is trying to help her and both of us combined cannot lift this lady to her feet. Another park employee comes over to help and I get out of the way. She finally uses a post on the dock, the captain and park employee to help her to her feet.

The next part of or Gator Park adventure is over to the live gator show. Again, thinking of how much I like alligators I’m excited again. Everyone sits down and the show begins. A “Jungle Jim” type guy starts talking to us about the Florida Wildlife such as alligators, snakes and such. He shows us a toad, a raccoon, a bird, and then the alligator in the pen with him. He actually has Jackie kiss the toad, you can see the photo of this on her facbook page. 

At the end of the 10 minutes show Jungle Jim tells us he works for tips so out comes the wallets again. He also tells us we can have our photos taken with a 4 foot alligator named Larry, oh and tips are encouraged and appreciated for this opportunity too. A four foot alligator has reached the level of maturity that affords him the luxury of being at the top of the food chain in the Florida swamp. So holding a four foot gator is really kind of cool.

Okay so here is my summary of Gator Park. The airboat ride was horrible, too short and finished with me helping an old man and overweight old lady out of the boat. Who knows what type of bacteria was sprayed on me by the boat captain’s “thrill” driving. The “Gator Park Famous Wildlife Show” was cheesy and really pretty weak. I was disappointed. The Gator Park website promised so much more. I was glad we got a 2 for 1 ticket deal.

So if you want to be disappointed by a short bacteria filled airboat ride and the “Famous Wildlife Show” then Gator Park is for you! Here is the web site: http://www.gatorpark.com/

By the way, we did get our photo taken holding Larry the alligator. 

Vacation - The Florida Keys

Day six is our trip to Key West.  The Florida Keys, from Key Largo to Key West is about 100 mile drive. I have been in the keys a couple of time but no farther North than Key Largo. A 100 mile trip is normally a pretty easy drive but on the keys it takes three hours.

US-1 runs through the keys. Most of the trip is single lane in each direction with a few dual lane areas. The speed limit is 55 mph or lower. Each Key you cross is the equivalent of small town with stop lights and lower posted speed limits.

Remember that we drove my convertible to Florida and with this drive in mind. The weather is perfect, 85 degrees and sunny! It is about 9:30 and we stop at a small local dive for breakfast. Our table is under the front porch opened to everything and just about 8 feet from the convertible. The name of the joint was Mrs. Mac’s Kitchen. There were only four tables across the front of this place. Inside the place is a small counter and a few small tables in the front area with a few more in the back. There are over 700 reviews online for this restaurant and almost all of them are good. The food is what I would expect from a dive in the Midwest.

As you drive through the first few keys such as Plantation key, you lose sight of the water. When you get to Upper Matecumbe key you’ll cross a bridge about a half mile in length. The bridge between Upper and Lower Matehumbe is about 2 miles long. From Lower Matecumbe to Long key crossing the water is a combination of bridge and causeway. Long Key to Grass Key is a couple miles but you cross Conch Key and pass by Duck Key.

Grass Key, the speed limit is 45 mhp during the day and 35 mph at night. There are signs warning of deer crossing along the road. The deer on the keys are a subspecies of the same whitetail we have in the mid-west. They look like large dogs…maybe 60 to 70 pounds. They are on the endangered species list. I guess large numbers of these deer are killed by cars. Anyway…The Grass Key leads to Marathon Key, part of Marathon Key is a large state park. Again, Marathon key has the same speed restrictions due to the deer.

So…Marathon key leads to the seven mile bridge. This is the coolest part of the trip. Nothing but water on the South side of bridge and parts of the old or original bridge on the north side. I read that the original seven mile bridge was part of a rail road bridge. The rail road was the only way to get from Miami to Key West other than by boat or plane.  At the end of Seven Mile Bridge is Big Pine Key.

The cool thing about Big Pine Key is that is was named by Pirates who would anchor in the channel to the south of the island. Anyway, the rest of the trip is across several more keys over 20 miles or so. When you get on Key West it is wild how almost every square inch of the island has something on it. The homes have that island bungalow look. The streets are narrow and crawling with people. It is nice to visit but I wouldn’t want to stay there for more than a few days. It is too confining.

Part of what makes the drive through the keys so pleasant is how much ocean you see. The water color from key to key changes from a blue-green to green to bright blue; it’s absolutely incredible. Being from the Midwest it is always a pleasant site to see palm trees, beaches and the ocean. On the keys you are surrounded by the palms, sand and water. It is a drive everyone should experience once in the life. 

Vacation Day 5

Day 5

Day five starts out very early. We  hired a fishing guide to take us out on late Okeechobee. We are to be the before 7:00 a.m. and it is about an 85 mile drive from our condo. The drive is easy, I-95 to I-595/I-75 then north on highway 27. The trip north on highway 27 is partially through the Everglades and then it is sugar cane fields on either side of the road. There is virtually no civilization between I-595/I-75 and the town or Clewiston which is our final destination. The thing that struck me as we traveled north was how dark it was. No street lights, no little towns, no houses! There was nothing for miles and miles until a Domino Sugar Processing plant and then a lot of nothing and darkness until Clewiston.

I have GPS on my phone which I used a lot during the vacation but I had just written down the directions to the marina in Clewiston. Now Google map is pretty good but when it is off it is way off, usually it is off in rural areas. In this case Google maps was off by a few blocks and it had our turn off the main street onto the street the marina was located on but that wasn’t the case.  We had to stop and ask. While Jackie was getting directions I entered the address in my phone so we had clear directions either way.

We arrive at the Roland Martin Marina just in time and our guide is waiting.  Jackie and I use the bathroom, buy or fishing license and a cup of coffee. The sun is just starting to come up so in the boat and off we go. We start in a small marina area, to get to the main lake we have to go through a lock because the lake is surrounded by a large dyke and the lake is also part of an intercostal water way. Once we pass through the lock we have an idle zone. Once out of the idle zone our guide takes off maintaining a speed that Jackie has never experienced on the water prior.

Side note:  Now, I had never fished on Okeechobee so this would be new water for me. The name Okeechobee means big water and this is the biggest fresh water lake in Florida, seventh largest in the US at 730 square miles. The average depth of this lake is only 9 feet so in any wind it will get rough fast.

We arrive at the spot we are to fish. The guide drops an anchor from the front and has some type of power pole “thing” on the back that drives itself into the lake bottom which holds the back in place. The first cast for me yields a 6 pound 3 once largemouth. Jackie caught a 3 ½ pounder, I caught 4 ¾ pounder, we both catch several other 2 to 3 pound fish. Overall a very productive day on the water.

The rest of the day was pretty predictable. We lounged around the pool. Both Jackie and I took a nap and we went out for diner. Day five was over! Day six is a trip to the Alligator Safari Park/Airboat Ride tourist trap!

Vacation Day 3 and 4

Day 3

I can’t sleep in. I suppose it is from years of getting up early. I tried sleeping in but kept waking up every few minute so I got up and made a Greek Frappe. This has been my morning choice for a coffee drink for years. After breakfast a walk on the beach and we would hang out by the pool.

I brought up the fact that you always over pack for trips like these. If you stay in a condo like we do you always end up doing laundry so most of the clothes you take with you aren’t even needed. Take underwear, I have to make sure I have one clean pair for each day plus a couple of extra. Socks is the same, need extra socks. Extra shoes too. We still ended buying some t-shirts at the beach shop and a department store on day three. So more than half the clothes I took didn’t even get used and then I bought more!!!

So the afternoon is spent around the pool or on the beach which brings me to the sun. If I spend 5 minutes in the sun I burn. I wear spf 50 for crying out loud! One of my facebook friends made fun of my white legs, they would have been whiter if I had not spent some time in the sun already. Anyway, my head was sunburned a couple of times. After being in the sun for 45 minutes I will be burnt and  for three days  my chest will be red. My head, face, nose and arms are pealing. I had to cautiously spend my time in the sun. Jackie spends 5 minutes in the sun and is immediately tan.

The evening of the third day was spent at the Hard Rock Casino. First of all I hate this casino; not because I lost…I always lose. This casino is the most confusing place I have ever been in. I’m sure some expert designed the layout for the purpose maximizing the amount of money gambled by people.

A side note: When we eat out I usually order ice tea, unsweetened and with NO lemon. When I receive my ice tea it almost always has the lemon wedge ( I didn't ask for) on the glass. They get the unsweetened part correct but can never get the lemon thing right. Second, I order a Caesar salad with no croutons and the dressing on the side which they can always manage to get correct. So why is it so damn hard to forget the lemon wedge in my case? Anyway, we ate at one of the 18 restaurants at the casino. It was a Tex-Mex kind of place. It was very pricey and really wasn’t that good.  

Day 4

Day four and our friends are meeting us at our condo for a day on the beach or around the pool. Again, me being the original white man I needed to be careful in the sun. The first thing I do is put SPF 50 on while Jackie puts on accelerator. Day four was also the day we were reunited with Sid.

Now at 11:00 a.m. we have to sit through a time share sales pitch. Jackie’s mom gets some kind of points for us sitting through the damn thing and hey what is hour out of your life anyway? First we sit through the first sales person trying to convince us that the time share thing will fit nicely into our lifestyle. Second we have to sit through her boss trying to sell us on the same idea only at a reduced price and third is the final “Guido” type guy making an even better offer and then tell us goodbye since we didn’t buy the timeshare. This was a painful process but we got a $100.00 AMEX gift card and free weekend at another timeshare where we will be subjected to the same sales process all over again! 

Before we head back to the condo, where our friends are lounging around the pool we decide to stop and get some fried chicken for an easy lunch. We head back to the closet store which is the Winn Dixie where we first encountered the plastic surgery queen. Now in the Mid-west you can encounter rude people but for the most part I consider this one of the friendliest areas of our country. Not the case in south Florida where I think it is a prerequisite that you be an ass&%$#! In general I found the people that worked at the stores and the shoppers to be pretty rude. Well, we bought our chicken and heading back to the condo.

On the beach we people watched. Again it was a freak show. Next to us were two men that I never was able determined their county of origin but their sexual orientation was never in question.  A few spots down were a group of “booty-luscious” ladies. Next to them was an older couple. On the other side of us were a mother and daughter who were whiter than me, yes it is possible for someone to be more white than me.

First to the old couple, it was windy and the waves coming in were pretty rough. The old man decided to head in to the water where he was hammered by a wave and knocked down into the water. This guy couldn’t get up so several people rushed to his aid. This was when we first notice the “booty-luscious” ladies. These ladies were not dressed in the normal beach attire; no, no, no! These ladies had on halter tops and black spandex shorts. As far as the two gents, all I can say is that they were posing for each other as they took photos of one another. 

Almost forgot the mother  and daughter. These two were also not wearing the normal beach attire. They had sun dresses on and they were whiter than me. Now every day these balloon looking like jelly fish kept washing up on the beach. The girl in the mother daughter duo was trying to help one of these jellyfish back into the water. This went on for a long time. She would move it close to the water and the waves would push it back up on the beach. Back and forth, back and forth! 

To finish day four Jackie and I ate left over fired chicken and watch a little TV. We had an early and long drive so we had to get to bed early.