The Buzz Words - I hated Buzz Words!

There was just a commercial on TV for an airline. The premise is that two co-workers are traveling on sales meetings to see clients or prospective clients. The one salesperson continually uses the buzz word “win-win.” This got me thinking about all the business buzz words I heard during my corporate career. There were times that I would have rather gouged my eyes out then have to sit through another meeting full of overused buzzwords or phrases. Here is a short list, I do mean short because I could write pages and pages of them. 

Action items – as in we have a list of things that need done to complete the damn project.

Accountability – as if we are all running around willy nilly with no supervision whatsoever.

Benchmark, benchmarking, or benchmarks – as in something we need to use to measure our success or lack of.

Big picture - Good lord...this word should have been used for a drinking game. 

Brainstorm or brainstorming - Usually means: "We are stumped and can't figure out what to do next!"

Bucketize – We are going to lump projects, customers, products and or problems into groups and call it “bucketizing the ____!” Now it sounds so much, much cooler.

Buy-in – As in we need everyones buy in.

Champion when it is used as a verb or “who will champion this project?” Instead of: "who will do the damn job?" oooo, Bob is the "champion" of the project, yeah Bob!

Client or customer focused – as if we were not customer focused we had to be reminded of this.

Core competencies – I just vomited in mouth when I remember how much this phrase was used.

Drill down – As is drill down the numbers, drill down the data, drill down...drill d............

Drop back and punt – I really hated sports phrases. It was always the jock that had the biggest arsenal of them too.

Downsize – Upsize.

Enable

Empower – if I had a nickel for each time I heard this phrase….

Fast-track – As in gotta make it happen so we will “fast-track” it but really it still take just as long to get it done but we said "fast track" so everyone will think we are working really, really, really hard!

Game changing or Game Changer – Usually used by the dumb jock when realized he made a mistake in his business plan or white paper and now has to cover up for that fact. 

Glass is half full or glass is half empty. Nothing to say!

Goal-orientated – NO…I’m not goal orientated, I have no goals, no plans, nothing in mind at all. I don’t want to accomplish a damn thing.

Heavy lifting – usally used by the guy or lady who felt as if they were the only one doing the work or doing the hard work.

Impact…!!!

In the loop – as in “keep me in the loop!” I always wanted to say: “nope, we’re leaving you in the dark on this one!”

Leadership… Nope not a leader in the bunch!

Leading or cutting edge – used when we really think we got something good or when or competition was kicking our ass and we’re actually being honest.

Low hanging fruit – as in the easy sales, easy job to complete…Good phrase if you own an apple orchard. 

Low risk high yield or return

Matrix …bla, bla, bla….

Mindset

Mission Critical – the most crucial aspect of the job! As if we couldn’t figure it out, thanks for the “buzz word!”

Monetize –  Can we monetize it? how can we say we want to put a cost to it other than saying: “can we put a cost to it?”

Networking -

Not rocket science…nothing we ever did was!

On the same page – just want to make sure we all agree.

Opportunity when it is really a problem we are talking about…it sounds better when we call it an “Opportunity.”

Out of the loop

Out of the box – Oh no, I’m going to try thinking about the same old ideas and nothing new.

Ownership – Yup, it is my project, they are my clients and yes this is my problem!

Paradigm – just overused…bla, bla!

Peel the onion/layers of the onion – One of my favorites… “Let us just take a minute to peel the onion back!”

Ramp up – Instead of getting ready too or preparing too.

Regroup – as in we screwed up and now we have a problem we need to fix.

Rubber stamp – Yup, the boss, corporate or customer okayed it

Synergy or synergize – We have something in common, common goals or services that might just be complimentary to each other.  

Touch base – I will talk to you or talk to him or her…

Turn key

Train wreck – It is FUBAR

Value added – We giving something to the customer for free that they will not really appreciate… and we know it…so we say it is “value added” hoping we can make ourselves feel better about giving it away for free!

White board – “We’ll white board it!” Another way to say brainstorm and a way to waste a perfectly good few hours listening to the jock use sports metaphors to impress the boss.  

Elvis is dead and I’m not feeling too good myself: My Midlife Crisis.

As I write I can’t help but wonder how many people will read this. Truthfully this is a pretty open and honest personal assessment of this stage of life. Believing that this decade, my fourties have  been and will continue to be one of the best times in my life.  I find myself feeling a little bit obsessed with the questions: “Does my life matter?” and “What is next?”

The whole idea of me going through a midlife crisis is kind of offensive when someone else suggest it but not when I look at it for myself. So what does Elvis have to do with my midlife crisis? Nothing and it doesn't make sense. A midlife crisis doesn’t make sense to me either but here I am.

I found this mid-life crisis “symptom sampler” online. Symptoms are: insomnia, fatigue, weight gain, despair, morbidity, inability to concentrate, regret for roads not taken or other things in life you have not achieved or realized, dread that life holds no more surprises, regrets, sharp longing for something (a gunmetal Porsche, a cigarette boat) etc. I want to explore some of these and a few of my own observations of what may be my midlife crisis.

Insomnia. Yup, I don’t sleep as well anymore. I really didn’t think this was a sign of a mid-life crisis. I feel more bored with life right now and my thought is that insomnia is somehow a byproduct of feeling a little “lost in the woods.”

I’m taking longer to recover from injuries and illness. Morbidity. I have to laugh; I really don’t get over things as fast. I was hit with a case of prostatitis about a year and a half ago. Man that was a real bummer especially when I thought about. Having any kind of prostate problem makes you realize you’re getting a little older.  Not mention the fact that you can pull a muscle easier or just have a pain or ache that you can’t explain. The “morbidity” factor or the increased probability that I will become ill or have a health issue isn’t a pleasant thought.

I’ve noticed  I don't have as much physical stamina as you used to have. Twenty years ago I would have said; “a nap, what on earth is that?” Now I look forward to a nap.

I had put on more than a few pounds and was feeling a little overweight. I think vanity becomes a bit of an issue during the mid-life crisis. I have lost weight and I work out a little more. The idea that I hear the words “you look good” is a nice ego boost for me. When you reach this age I think your ego starts to become somewhat bruised by the fact that you won’t get a second look from a member of the opposite sex. It isn’t a matter of a younger lady wanting me, it is the fact you want to be noticed.

I’m going to have to get reading glasses to make out the small print. You can only look over the top of your glasses so long before even that does not work. This is one thing that is really pissing me off. I do not want bifocals…nope, not at all.

I feel anxious about the future, or maybe I’m just generally anxious and don't know exactly how to explain it.  It has slowly dawned on me that I’ll probably never solemnly swear to preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution, write a novel or realize the big idea or dream of greatness. My big boyhood dreams were precious, and it's easy for me feel like a failure when it's clear that most of my dreams are dead. It is somewhat cruel from the standpoint that some of your dreams or ambitions are tattered at midlife and at a time when so many things come together in a good way.  

I think I have been feeling a little depressed. Oh, I don’t think I have had bout of clinical depression but I’ve probably been depressed. I have noticed I’m more irritable and more emotional in general. There has been comfort in solitude for last several months. It isn’t that I want to ignore anyone but the soul searching involved in trying to set directional goals doesn’t allow for multi-tasking. Not that I was able to multi-task anyway.

Life isn't as much fun as it used to be so I find myself going with the flow more. I don’t know if “going with the flow” more is a bad thing for me or not. I have always been one to want things planned out and needing to know all the details..the who, want, when and where. I liked things regimented and organized now I really don’t care if they are or not.

I have started to question the value of what I do for a living, and can't think of what would fire my passion or enthusiasm. I can't seem to decide if I make decisions as easily as I used to. I wonder if I have lost some confidence in my abilities. I don’t have that reckless enthusiasm for my work like I did when I was 25. Today, I think that I am more patient, methodical and analytical when faced with making decisions.  Regardless if it is a lack of confidence or just being more intentional with my decisions I defiantly take more time. This is probably a good thing overall since I take less chances and think things out in more detail. The real issue would come from a lack of action or decision making…or getting locked into indecision; so far that is not the case.

I think I have become more nostalgic.  The Longing for my youth again! Well I suppose the boy is dead, and so are most of his dreams. It's probably important to admit they're gone, sit quietly for a while, and then move on. So grieving may be required…boo hoo…that is done.  But if I cling to the persona of youth (to quote someone: "prop up the corpse" oh great, my memory is going too), I will find myself trapped in regret and nostalgia for the past. Maybe some regret is good? If I didn’t regret some things I would probably repeat those actions or lack of actions, now I can decide based on past experience to do things differently. As far as regret for roads not taken, without knowing what was on that road I don’t know how I could have a regret. Maybe the road I didn’t take would have been a disaster, maybe it would have been great but I won’t know. You can’t regret what you don’t know you missed.

Do I have longing for something? Well I didn’t buy the cigar boat but I did buy the gunmetal grey convertible. The car has been called my midlife crisis and in part I guess it is. Joking I suppose you could say it is my welcome to midlife present. I think the real longing is for a new set of goals and challenges.

I used the term feeling like “I’m lost in the woods.” This is the best metaphor to describe being in-between goals. Twenty, ten or five years ago I knew exactly what I wanted; the goals were in my mind. Today I feel a bit directionless since I can’t figure out what I want my next set of goals to be.

I’ve heard that we should enjoy the journey more and stop focusing so much on the destination. The question for me becomes, if I’m ever going to fully appreciate this part of the trip, how will I  learn to swim around in more ambiguous waters i.e. have goals again. I’m cause and effect. I want rules that are clear cut and I want everything to make sense. Everything come downs to the bottom line or it should be black and white so I don’t really like the grey area of the journey called a “midlife” crisis.

After this little examination of my midlife crisis I have to ask: Where is the logic in expecting things, life and people to make sense?  Where is the logic in expecting things to be black and white? I guess I shouldn’t expect things to make sense; nothing really does at this stage of life. Come to think of it; from my birth until now why should any of the stuff in between make sense either?

So it is with a smile on my face that I say: “Elvis is still dead but I feel a little better now!” 

A few great moments in life don't define us.

You have probably heard people say that life comes down to just a few great moments. If you are worried about what others think of you then yes it does come down to a few great moments.  But I think it is the moments that slip by quietly that really make us into who we are. The moments of simple pleasures, the moments of trials and sorrow all come together to mature and shape us into who we are today.

What are really great moments anyway? I don’t consider becoming the owner of three businesses or realizing goals as great moments. I don’t think receiving an award was a great moment. I don’t even consider being recognized at the mini mart for having been on TV as a great moment.  There were times I was brave or self-sacrificing but I don’t think they are what shaped me.  

A good moment my life: The night my oldest son discovered the moon. Michael and I were driving to our home on Highway 46 in Clay County. We were heading east as the moon started to appear over the tree row. Michael in the most excited voice asked: “dad, what is that!”  My answer was "That is the moon Micheal."  His replay: "Oh, the moon!" When think of this moment it always brings a smile to my face.

A series of good moment in my life: When Jackie makes a “funny.”  There is a certain amount of satisfaction Jackie gets from making a funny and it is heartwarming to see her when she does. I think I rubbed off on her more then she would want to admit but this is a good moment.

A tough moment in my life: Watching either of my boys taken in for surgery. Michael and Stephen both have had surgeries, Michael once and Stephen three times. Stephen’s third surgery was the hardest. The nurse and anesthesiologist put Stephen in a race car type wagon and took him to the operating room.   As they disappeared down the hallway my heart broke.

A good moment in my life: My first trip to New York City. I was so amazed by the site and still think of seeing the skyline for the first time.

A good moment: Anytime I can connect with someone else through laughter. Also, laughing until it hurts and then laughing more.

A very hard moment: When I had to say goodbye to my friend knowing he would soon pass away. Although goodbyes in general are hard, the finality of saying goodbye to someone dying doesn’t have the sting of saying goodbye to someone who is leaving for an extended period of time.

Great Moment:  Finding I daughter I didn’t have. I should probably say having a daughter I didn’t have find me.

Both a hard moment and good moment:  The death of my dad. I was told by someone at my father’s funeral that his death will never stop hurting but as time passes it just won’t hurt as often. So it was hard because it hurt. It was a great moment because of how much I grew after his death. 

A hard moment in my life: Allowing my children to pay for the mistakes they make.

Good moments: Watching Stephen’s enthusiasm for his work and how he really excels at the job…when he shows up on time. Watching Michael study for school at one of the tables at the coffee grounds and thinking he has found his footing in life. Hearing Talita talk about the “gross” medical things she has learned and experienced while she oozes determination with a bit of reluctant passion.  I know all three of my kids will make it!  


I think I am who I am because of the small moments moments above and many more such as: Mrs. Workman Splitting a piece of gum four ways. Jimmy hooking his dad in the back on a fishing trip. Ramping my moped over cans. Fishing with bacon, cutting my arm open, swimming in the creek, wrecking the truck, cleaning the dock at Roadway, listening to my dads stories, my 21st birthday and on and on. These are all part of what shaped me.

My dad and golf: The slowest golfer in the world and the mosquito attack.

The slowest golfer in the world

Pop played a lot of golf. We always said that it was never too hot or it never rained on the golf course. I played a lot of golf with Pop and his buddies. You couldn’t poke around or they would get irritated with you. One of the guys who occasional played with them was slow…really slow. There isn’t a way to fully describe this guy’s lack of urgency. I will not say this guy’s name, I like this guy and so did my dad.  We will call him Harry.

Now Harry had a routine; he would step on to the tee box, plant his ball, couple of practice swings and then line up or at least attempt to line up. Once harry lined up he would drive the ball, watch it till it came to a complete stop. Harry would then walk leisurely back to his bag, wipe his club off, replace the club cover, wipe his hand off and then and only then would he be ready to walk down the fairway.

One day my dad was getting impatient with Harry’s slow pace. Pop had rented a cart, he had been fighting cancer at this point in his life and couldn't walk the course. Anyway, everyone had taken their drives and pop encouraged Harry to get on the fender of the cart so he could take him to his drive. Harry agreed and off they went. Now pop had an ornery streak and so do I so I understand why he did this.

Pop had enough of Harry’s slow play and figured he would do something about it. On the left side of the fairway was an area of ground that held water regardless of the weather. It had to be pretty dry for this area to not have standing water.  As pop headed down the fairway as fast as he could he drove the cart directly through the center of this standing water. Remember Harry is sitting on fender and he is pulling his clubs behind the electric cart. Harry and his clubs were soaked. Pop said when the cart came to a stop Harry didn’t say a word, he just headed back to his car. I guess Harry was made at Pop for the rest of that golf season! 

Mosquito Attack

Years ago Rae Park, a local public golf course in our home town, had an outhouse on the 14 or 15 hole. This is a par three hole runs next to the greens keeper shed. My bothers Robin and Perry, my dad and I were playing golf. Pop was older and had reached the age where he was not capable of passing by a restroom. We all hit from the tee box and started walking to green.

Pop heads for the outhouse. He enters outhouse with the familiar slam of a screen door with a spring closer. We assume this will be a routine bathroom break for the old man but that wasn’t the case.

Pop had only been in the outhouse long enough to unzip his pants and start his business when a stream of profanity began to flow through the air. We heard the screen door slam shut and watched as pop sprinted from the outhouse. We thought he was being stung by bees based on the way he was waving his hands.  Robin yelled at pop, bees? Pop yelled “mosquitos!”

We all rushed over to help him when I noticed his pants were soaked. I ask what hell had happened in the outhouse and why are his pants all wet? Pop explain that he went in, unzip his pants, started doing his business when the mosquitos flew up from the tank area and started to swarm him. He said he let go of himself to swat the mosquitos away, when he did his male part went back into his pants. He was too busy trying to get out of the outhouse to try stopping the flow…and anyway at his age once you start you don’t want to stop. We had one hell of a laugh about this one at the expense of pop....several times.  I still laugh thinking about his wet khaki pants. The thing is he loved golf so much he just kept playing and by the time we hit the 18th green they were dry. 

A few stories from the road.

My “real” job took me to 47 states and two countries. I traveled 40 plus weeks per year. Here are a few short stories from the road:

·         I was on a flight from Seattle to St. Louis where I would connect to Indy. The pilot of the plane, and A320 announced the plane had too much fuel on board and that we would be leaving the gate once some of the fuel had been off loaded from the plane. From the back of the plane I heard a guy yell: “Hell, fill it all the way up! We’ll all pitch in for the gas!”   

·         The rule about hotel reservation was to never book rooms at hotel that had room entrances on the outside of the building. Once in a while we didn’t have a choice and ended up at an older motel but we made it work. One of these occasions had several of us from the same business unit working on a large wholesaler conversation and we all stayed at the same motel. It was an older Fairfield Inn. All the rooms had outside entrances.  Anyway, some of my fellow employees were known to drink a lot on these types of trips and this time was no exception.

Bruce and Steve had left the wholesalers early (about 1:00) to go get a few drinks. As always happened a few drinks turned into a few too many and both the guys were hammered when

they returned to the motel. Both went to their rooms.

The rest of us returned to the hotel about 6:30. Everyone would meet back in the lobby at 7:00 and we would go out for supper. As Jeff and I entered the lobby area of the motel Bruce was standing at the front desk completely naked. The clerk handed Bruce a towel and he quickly wrapped it around his waist. As Bruce stood there in his towel he asked for another room key.

Bruce wouldn’t come clean about what happened until the next morning but it went like this: Bruce was hammered when he got back to his room. He stripped down and laid down on his bed. After sleeping about an hour or so he woke with the urge to urinate. Not really awake or sober he walked out of the motel room door thinking he was heading into the restroom. He said: “Oh, I sobered up really fast when I realized I was facing the parking lot naked!”

·         On another flight the captain announced the time by saying: “The present time is 20 minutes after 9 a.m.” To which a very sarcastic lady next to me said: “For those of you who are just learning to tell time or have never seen a clock that’s 9:20 a.m.”

·         We had a guy that was never happy with his hotel room. His name was Dane. Every time we checked in anyplace you could bank on Dane asking for another room. I really think it was an ego thing with him but regardless he did it every time. Anyway, “Naked Bruce” or “The Streak” as he become known as had checked in before Dane.  Bruce tipped the clerk $50 to put Dane in one of the worst rooms in the hotel and to make sure when Dane ask to be moved he  absolutely got the worst room in the place.  Predictably Dane complained about the first room but never said a word about the second room. Steve, one of the other co-workers hung out with Dane in his second room. Steve said it reeked of smoke smell and was next to the elevator shaft. He said elevator  sounded like a train passing every few minutes.

·         Sitting in the gate area of Atlanta I listened to couple of kids fighting.  These kids were obviously siblings because when the older of the two called the younger a “Dork” the fight was on. Punches began to fly and the mother had to break the fight up. When she asked why they were fighting the younger child said very loudly: “he called me a whales penis.” The older boy denied the charge at which time the younger said: “yes you did, you called me a dork and that is the name of a whale’s penis!” All the mom said was: “you sit over there, you sit over here and never ever say whale’s penis in public again!”

·          Hartsfield/ Atlanta airport was second to Indy as being the airport I was in the most.  Atlanta has an underground tram and/or underground moving sidewalk for passengers to move between terminals, baggage and the main gate.  I had a system for standing while riding on these trams without being knocked off my feet by the abrupt stops. I would wedge myself into the window frame at the very back of the tram and lean into the moment of the tram. One day a lady on crutches hobbled onto the tram behind me. She sat on the back window area of the tram next to where I was standing. As we neared the stop for the baggage claim she stood quickly. I knew what was coming next. The tram stopped quickly sending her forward and to her right. As I grabbed for her she turned in my arms coming to rest with her back against my midsection and I was hanging on to her by her breast...both of them.  I know she was embarrassed and I was too. All I could think to say was, “Man people sure are friendly here in Atlanta.”  She said nothing and walked of the tram.